Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

About Mitch Hedberg:

Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Mitch Hedberg
Dreams quotes by Mitch Hedberg, UberQuotes

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Mitch Hedberg
Dating quotes by Mitch Hedberg, UberQuotes

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Mitch Hedberg

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Mitch Hedberg

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

Mitch Hedberg

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

Mitch Hedberg

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Mitch Hedberg

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

Mitch Hedberg
Funny quotes by Mitch Hedberg, UberQuotes

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Mitch Hedberg

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Mitch Hedberg

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Mitch Hedberg

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

Mitch Hedberg

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Mitch Hedberg

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Mitch Hedberg

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Mitch Hedberg

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

Mitch Hedberg

Author Bio

  • NameMitch Hedberg
  • Descriptionstand-up comedian
  • BornFebruary 24, 1968
  • DiedMarch 29, 2005
  • CountryUnited States Of America