Quotes by Emo Philips

About Emo Philips:

Emo Philips is an American entertainer and comedian born in the Chicago suburb of Downers Grove. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians and garden path sentences spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice and a confused, childlike delivery of his material to produce the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the 'wisdom of children' or the idiot savant.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Emo Philips

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

Emo Philips

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

Emo Philips

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Emo Philips

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

Emo Philips

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Emo Philips

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Emo Philips

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

Emo Philips

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

Emo Philips

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

Emo Philips

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Emo Philips

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Emo Philips

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Emo Philips

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

Emo Philips

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

Emo Philips

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

Emo Philips

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

Emo Philips

Author Bio

  • NameEmo Philips
  • DescriptionStand-up comedian
  • BornFebruary 7, 1956
  • CountryUnited States Of America
  • ProfessionActor