[Withnail and Marwood are lying in bed together, listening to a man coming inside the cottage. Withnail is cowering under the covers] Withnail: [whispering] He's going into your room. It's you he wants. Offer him yourself. [the bedroom door slowly op...
Withnail: What is it? What have you found? Marwood: [pulling some goo out of the sink] Matter.
Marwood: Withnail, you bastard, wake up. Wake up you bastard, or I burn this bastard bed down! Withnail: I deny all accusations. [opens his eyes] Withnail: What you do want? Marwood: I have just narrowly avoided having a buggering, and have come in h...
Danny: My partner's got a really good idea for making dolls. His name's Presuming Ed. His sister give him the idea. She got a doll on Christmas what pisses itself. Then you gotta change its drawers for it. It's horrible really but they like that, the...
Withnail: [fondling the money Monty has given them to buy wellingtons] I think a drink, don't you? Marwood: What about the wellingtons? Withnail: Oh, bollocks to the wellingtons. We'll tell him they had a farmers' conference and had a run on them.
Monty: Do you like vegetables? I've always been fond of root crops but I only started to grow last summer. I happen to think the cauliflower more beautiful than the rose. Do you grow? Withnail: Geraniums. Monty: Oh, you little traitors. I think the c...
Marwood: Right, now we're going to have to approach this scientifically. First thing we've got to do is get this fire alight, then we split into two fact-finding groups. I'll deal with the water and other plumbings, you can check the fuel and wood si...
Withnail: This place is uninhabitable. Marwood: Give it a chance. It's got to warm up. Withnail: Warm up? We may as well sit round this cigarette. This is ridiculous. We'll be found dead in here next spring.
Marwood: Parkin's been. There's the supper. [a live chicken is standing on the table] Withnail: What are we supposed to do with that? Marwood: Eat it. Withnail: Eat it? Fucker's alive. Marwood: Yeah, I know that, you've got to kill it. Withnail: Me? ...
Withnail: This is ridiculous. Look at me, I'm 30 in a month and I've got a sole flapping off my shoe. Marwood: It'll get better, it has to. Withnail: Easy for you to say, luvvie, you've had an audition. Why can't I have an audition? It's ridiculous. ...
Marwood: [wakes up in the back seat of the car, which is moving along the motorway] What's going on? Withnail: I'm making time. [swerves through motorway traffic, dangerously]
Marwood: Give me a Valium, I'm getting the FEAR! Danny: [very calmly] You have done something to your brain. You have made it high. If I lay 10 mls of diazepam on you, it will do something else to your brain. You will make it low. Why trust one drug ...
Withnail: There must and shall be aspirin!
Withnail: [looking at a newspaper] Oh, look at this little bastard. "Boy lands plum role for top Italian director" Course he does! Probably on a tenner a day, and I know what for! 2 pound 10 a tit and a fiver for his arse!
Withnail: [in a telephone box, speaking to his agent] Listen, I pay you 10 percent to do that. Well, lick 10 percent of the arses for me, then! Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? How DARE you! [he slams the phone down] Withnail: Fuck you! [he steps out of t...
Withnail: I've some extremely distressing news. Marwood: I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear anything. Oh God, it's a nightmare, I tell you, it's a nightmare. Withnail: We've just run out of wine. What are we gonna do about it? Marwood: I d...
Withnail: [during dinner] Vegetables again. I'll be sprouting bloody feelers soon. Must be 20,000 sheep up there on those volcanoes, we've got a plate full of carrots. Marwood: There's black puddings in it. Withnail: Black puddings are no good to us....
Jake: I might come and see you lads in the week. I might fetch you up a rabbit. Withnail: We don't want a rabbit, we want a pheasant. Jake: Listen, you young prat. I ain't got no pheasants, ain't got no birds. No more than you have. Withnail: Course ...
