Withnail: We want the finest wines available to humanity. And we want them here, and we want them now!
Withnail: I feel like a pig shat in my head.
Withnail: Right, you fucker, I'm going to do the washing up! Marwood: No, no, you can't. It's impossible, I swear it. I've looked into it. Listen to me, listen to me! There are things in there, there's a tea-bag growing! You haven't slept in sixty ho...
[last lines] Withnail: I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth. And indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory. This most excellent canopy, the air, look you, ...
Withnail: [seeing a road sign reading "ACCIDENT BLACK SPOT. DRIVE WITH EXTREME CARE"] Look at that, accident black spot! These aren't accidents! They're throwing themselves into the road gladly! Throwing themselves into the road to escape all this hi...
Withnail: I must have some booze. I demand to have some booze!
Withnail: [looking at the kitchen sink overflowing with dirty dishes] Oh, Christ almighty. Sinew in nicotine base. Keep back, keep back! The entire sink's gone rotten. I don't know what's in here. [he picks up the kettle on the stove. It's too hot so...
Withnail: Are you the farmer? Marwood: Shut up, I'll deal with this. Withnail: We've gone on holiday by mistake. We're in this cottage here. Are you the farmer? Marwood: Stop saying that Withnail, of course he's the fucking farmer!
Danny: Don't get uptight with me, man. Cos if you do, I'll have to give you a dose of medicine. And if I spike you, you'll know you've been spoken to. Withnail: You wouldn't spike me, you're too mean. Beside there's nothing invented I couldn't take. ...
Danny: I don't advise a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hair are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos, and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight. Wi...
Withnail: Free to those that can afford it, very expensive to those that can't.
Uncle Monty: I adore you. Tell him if you must, I no longer care. I mean to have you even if it must be burglary.
Danny: The joint I'm about to roll requires a craftsman. It can utilise up to 12 skins. It is called a Camberwell Carrot. Marwood: It's impossible to use 12 papers on one joint. Danny: It's impossible to make a Camberwell Carrot with anything less. W...
Withnail: [approaching the pub] All right, this is the plan. We get in there and get wrecked, then we'll eat a pork pie, then we'll drop a couple of Surmontil-50's each. That means we'll miss out Monday but come up smiling Tuesday morning.
Marwood: [voiceover] Even a stopped clock gives the right time twice a day. And for once I'm inclined to believe that Withnail is right. We are indeed drifting into the arena of the unwell. Making an enemy of our own future. What we need is harmony, ...
Marwood: If my father was loaded I'd ask him for some money. Withnail: If your father was my father you wouldn't get it.
Withnail: You're not leaving me in here alone. Those are the kind of windows faces look in at.
Marwood: What about whatshisname? Withnail: What about him? Marwood: Why don't you give him a call? Withnail: What for? Marwood: Ask him about his house. Withnail: You want me to call whatshisname and ask him about his house? Marwood: Why not? Withna...
