My children don’t even know my name, and it’s no excuse that they haven’t even been born yet.
I’ll let you see the door is open, so you know I’m open to the idea that you can leave anytime you want. So long as you are able to pick the lock on your handcuffs while you are blindfolded.
It may be bad for you, but government has no role in dictating our lives. People should be free to imprison themselves.
Neighbors, I’m on the fence about them.
In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense.
It’s not a joke if it’s not entirely clear. But most jokes play off of ambiguity and sudden juxtaposition, so a joke has to be clearly unclear.
My coffee gets increasingly better the more I drink and the closer I come to the bottom of the cup, where all the sugar is. I wonder if life is the same way as we approach the end.
I asked the girl at the coffee shop out on a date. Unfortunately she said no, probably because I asked her out to coffee.
I wear brown shirts to protect against the combination of coffee and clumsiness.
The early morning is too strong to drink straight, so I need to mix in a little coffee to be able to hold it down.
College has given me the confidence I need to fail.
I can read lips. Especially if they have words tattooed on them.
I don’t get the phrase, “Cut to the chase.” When I’m exasperated with all the verbal running around and skirting the issue, the last thing I want is more chasing. Let’s cut to the caught.
Renaldina told Renaldo and Renaldo told me, so that’s two points for possible miscommunication, especially when you consider that she’s deaf and he’s blind, so it went through two language variations and two incompatible methods of travel, like...
As a thinker, and most writers would consider themselves thinkers, your competition is not only the whole world, but it’s also the people of the past, and the people of the future. And the people of the future are the dangerous ones, because you’...
I listen better with earplugs in, so I can see what your body is really saying.
It’s 3:32, and I need just one more ingredient to finish baking 3:33. Would you prefer the AM or the PM piece?
I hate the phrase “Shit or get off the pot,” because I rarely cook with feces.
If Warren Buffet made chocolate, I’ll bet it’d be really rich. And corrupt.
Courage is the chiaroscuro of characteristics. By that I mean I don’t know what I mean.
I’m going to Australia. But first I’ve got to put on my swimming suit and stretch.
