Quotes by Erma Bombeck

About Erma Bombeck:

Erma Louise Bombeck was an American humorist who achieved great popularity for her newspaper column that described suburban home life from the mid-1960s until the late 1990s. Bombeck also published 15 books, most of which became bestsellers. From 1965 to 1996, Erma Bombeck wrote over 4,000 newspaper columns, using broad and sometimes eloquent humor, chronicling the ordinary life of a midwestern suburban housewife. By the 1970s, her columns were read twice-weekly by 30 million readers of the 900 newspapers in the U.S. and Canada.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

Erma Bombeck

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.

Erma Bombeck

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Erma Bombeck

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

Erma Bombeck

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

Erma Bombeck

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

Erma Bombeck

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

Erma Bombeck

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

Erma Bombeck

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Erma Bombeck

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Erma Bombeck

Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.

Erma Bombeck

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

Erma Bombeck

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Erma Bombeck

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.

Erma Bombeck

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.

Erma Bombeck

There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.

Erma Bombeck

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

Erma Bombeck

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.

Erma Bombeck

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

Erma Bombeck

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

Erma Bombeck

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

Erma Bombeck

Author Bio

  • NameErma Bombeck
  • DescriptionWhen I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
  • BornFebruary 21, 1927
  • DiedApril 22, 1996
  • CountryUnited States Of America
  • ProfessionWriter