Columbus: [Columbus sprays Tallahassee with perfume, Tallahassee turns around and glares at Columbus] Okay. Let me begin my three-part apology by saying that I think you're a wonderful human, with great potential. Tallahassee: It's okay... But FYI, I...
Little Rock: No Twinkies. Tallahassee: Shit! fuck! Wichita: See, I told you we should have gone to Russell Crowe's! No one listens to me!
[first lines] Columbus: Oh, America. I wish I could tell you that this was still America, but I've come to realize that you can't have a country without people. And there are no people here. No, my friends. This is now the United States of Zombieland...
Columbus: You know there's a place untouched by all this crap? Tallahassee: Back east, yeah? Columbus: Yeah. Yeah. You heard the same thing? Tallahassee: Out west, we hear it's back east. Back east, they hear it's out west. It's all just nonsense. Yo...
Columbus: When Tallahassee goes Hulk on a zombie, he sets the standard for "not to be fucked with".
Columbus: It's amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shit storm.
Columbus: [in voice-over] You see, He was in the ass-kicking business and... Tallahassee: [Tallahassee, in flashback, rounds corner holding two chainsaws and wearing a welding mask, flips mask up] ... business is *good*!
Columbus: That guy down there... is me. I'm in Garland, Texas. And it may look like zombies destroyed it, but that's actually just Garland.
Tallahassee: Bill Murray, you're a zombie? [Wichita hits Bill in his back with a golf club] Bill Murray: [cries in pain] Ow, I'm on fire! Ouch! Tallahassee: You're not a zombie, you're talking and... You're okay? Bill Murray: The hell I am. Wichita: ...
Columbus: [a zombie is crushed by a falling piano] Poor flat bastard.
Little Rock: Yes! But no she's not, she's not. She's only famous when she's Hannah Montana. When she's wearing the wig. So...
Columbus: [to an exasperated Little Rock] Oh, this is so exciting, you're about to learn who you're gonna call... it's Ghostbusters.
Wichita: You know between you, me and "What About Bob?"... You're actually kinda cute. Columbus: You think so? Wichita: Yeah. I mean you got the guts of a guppy but I could hit that. Columbus: Really? Wichita: Or at least give you the intentional wal...
Columbus: Hey, for fuck's sake, enough already! We are being chased by ravenous freaks. Like we don't have enough problems. Oh, they stole my hummer. Oh, we have trust issues. Well get over it! We can't just fucking drive down the road playing I Spy ...
[from trailer] Tallahassee: [turning to Columbus, Wichita and Little Rock after a zombie kill] What do you think? "Zombie Kill of the Week"?
Columbus: You almost knocked over your alcohol with your knife.
Wichita: [playing Monopoly] Ooh! Free parking... Little Rock: Yeah. Wichita: -which coincidentally is the best thing about Zombieland. Columbus: You want to know the best thing about Z-land? No- no Facebook status updates. You know, Rob Curtis is gea...
Columbus: Are you one of these guys that tries to one-up everybody else's story? Tallahassee: No. I knew a guy way worse at that than me.
