Singer: Don't be stupid, be a smarty. Come and join the Nazi party.
Leo Bloom: I'm in pain and I'm wet and I'm still hysterical!
Max Bialystock: How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?
Roger De Bris: Ah, Bialystock and Bloom, I presume! Heh heh, forgive the pun! Leo Bloom: [to Max] What pun? Max Bialystock: Shut up, he thinks he's witty.
[Searching for the sure-fire flop] Max Bialystock: "Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to discover that he had been transformed into a giant cockroach." Nah, it's too good.
Max Bialystock: Shut up, I'm having a rhetorical conversation.
Franz Liebkind: Not many people know it, but the Fuhrer was a terrific dancer.
Leo Bloom: Actors are not animals! They're human beings! Max Bialystock: They are? Have you ever eaten with one?
Roger De Bris: Will the dancing Hitlers please wait in the wings? We are only seeing singing Hitlers.
Max Bialystock: Roger, did you have a chance to read "Springtime for Hitler?" Roger De Bris: [emerges from behind a partition wearing a dress] Remarkable, remarkable! A stunning piece of work. Leo Bloom: [under his breath] Max... he's wearing a dress...
Franz Liebkind: Hitler... there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in ONE afternoon! TWO coats!
Max Bialystock: You have exactly ten seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect!
Lady: [during the Springtime for Hitler performance] Will you please, shut up! Franz Liebkind: You shut up! You are the audience! I am the author! I OUTRANK you!
Max Bialystock: That's it, baby, when you've got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!
Max Bialystock: Bloom, I'm drowning. Other men sail through life, Bialystock has struck a reef. Bloom, I'm going under. I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure. Bloom, I'm reaching out to you. Don't send me to ...
Concierge: Who d'ya want? Leo Bloom: I beg your pardon? Concierge: Who d'ya want? Nobody gets in the building unless I know who they want. I'm the "concierge". My husband used to be the "concierge", but he's dead. Now I'M the "concierge". Max Bialyst...
[Leo Bloom walks in on Bialystock romancing Holdmethouchme] Leo Bloom: Oh my God! Max Bialystock: You mean "oops," don't you? Just say "oops" and get out! Leo Bloom: ''stammering'' Ah-a-a-a-a-a-a-a Max Bialystock: Not "Ah-a-a-a-a-a-a-a" Oops! Leo Blo...
Lorenzo St. DuBois: [singing] And I give a flower to the big fat cop / He takes his club and he beats me up / I give a flower to the garbage man / He stuffs my girl in the garbage can / And I give it to the landlord when the rent comes 'round / He th...
