New Mother: Is it a boy or a girl? Obstretrician: I think it's a bit early to start imposing roles on it, don't you?
Noel Coward: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean. [singing] Noel Coward: Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis? / Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong? / It's swell to have a stiffy. /...
Chaplain: Let us praise God. O Lord... Congregation: O Lord... Chaplain: ...Ooh, You are so big... Congregation: ...ooh, You are so big... Chaplain: ...So absolutely huge. Congregation: ...So absolutely huge. Chaplain: Gosh, we're all really impresse...
Grim Reaper: Shut up, you American. You Americans, all you do is talk, and talk, and say "let me tell you something" and "I just wanna say." Well, you're dead now, so shut up.
Host: It's a Mr. Death, dear. He's here about the reaping.
Zulu War Soldier: Here is better than home, eh, sir? I mean, at home if you kill someone they arrest you, here they'll give you a gun and show you what to do, sir. I mean, I killed fifteen of those buggers. Now, at home they'd hang me, here they'll g...
Hospital Administrator: And what are you doing this morning? Obstetrician: It's a birth. Hospital Administrator: Ah. And what sort of thing is that? Dr. Spenser: Well, that's where we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy. Hospital Administrator: Won...
Father: The mill's closed. There's no more work. We're destitute. Children: Ohhhhh. Father: I'm afraid I have no choice but to sell you all for scientific experiments.
Gaston: You see that house? That is where I was born. My mother said to me, "Garcon. The world is a beautiful place, and you must spread joy and contentment everywhere you go". And so I became a waiter... Well, I know it is not a great philosophy but...
Grim Reaper: I AM DEATH! Guest #4: Well, that's cast a gloom over the evening...
Father: [singing] Every sperm is sacred/Every sperm is great/If a sperm is wasted/God gets quite irate.
Distraught Male Voice: I just can't go on. I'm not good any more, goodbye... goodbye... aaaargh... Aaaargh. [a leaf falls to the ground] Distraught Female Voice: Oh my God. What'll I do? I can't live without him... I... aaaargh. [Another leaf falls] ...
Ainsworth: During the night, old Perkins got his leg bitten sort of... off. Dr. Livingstone: Ah, been in the wars, have we? Perkins: Yes. Dr. Livingstone: Ah, any headache? Bowels all right? Hm. Well, let's have a look at this "one leg" of yours, the...
Maitre d': And finally, a wafer thin mint.
Maitre d': Good evening sir and how are we today? Mr. Creosote: Better. Maitre d': Better? Mr. Creosote: Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up.
Paitent: What do I do? Dr. Spenser: Nothing, dear! You're not qualified!
Humphrey: So, just listen. Now, did I or did I not... do... vaginal... juices? Pupils: Mmm. Mmm. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Humphrey: Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson. Watson: R - rubbing the clitoris, sir? Humphrey: What's wrong with a kiss, b...
Humphrey: And spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour. And so the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead in Kadesh Bilgemath by Shor Ethra Regalion, to the house of Gash-Bil-Betheul-Bazda, he who brought the butter dish to Balshazar and the...
