Joey Naylor: [as Nick comes to speak to Joey's class about his job] Please don't ruin my childhood.
Jack: I'm going to impale your mom on a spike and feed her dead body to my dog with syphilis. Brad: Ha, you got me! Jack: [to Nick and Joey Naylor] Inside joke.
[Nick and Heather are introducing themselves to each other] Heather Holloway: Heather Holloway. Nick Naylor: Nick Naylor. Big Tobacco. Heather Holloway: [holds up tape recorder] Is this kosher? Nick Naylor: Only if I can call you Heather. Heather Hol...
Jack: Alright come here, this is my favourite part. That one right there... [points in pool of fish] Jack: It's 7000 dollars. Nick Naylor: 7000 for a fish? Jack: Yep, kinda makes you wanna stop eating sushi, but I guess you kinda have to. Jack: See t...
Nick Naylor: The man's a genius; he could disprove gravity.
Heather Holloway: This is Nick Naylor telling you kids, don't do drugs, smoke cigarettes Nick Naylor: That's really great, its like looking in the mirror Heather Holloway: New idea, cigarettes for the homeless, we'll call them hobos Nick Naylor: Haha...
Nick Naylor: Bobby Jay works for S.A.F.E.T.Y., the Society for the Advancement of Firearms and Effective Training for Youth. After watching the footage of the Kent State shootings, Bobby Jay, then seventeen, signed up for the National Guard so that h...
Nick Naylor: The message Hollywood needs to send out is 'Smoking Is Cool!'
Lorne Lutch: You look like a nice enough fella. What are you doing working for these assholes? Nick Naylor: I'm good at it. Better at doing this than I ever was at doing anything else. Lorne Lutch: Aw, hell, son. I was good at shooting VC. I didn't m...
[first lines] Joan Lunden: Robin Williger. He is a 15 year old freshman from Racine, Wisconsin. He enjoys studying history; he's on the debate team. Robin's future looked very, very bright. But recently he was diagnosed with cancer, a very tough kind...
Nick Naylor: Now what we need is a smoking role model. A real winner. Jeff Megall: Indiana Jones meets Jerry Maguire. Nick Naylor: Right, on two packs a day.
Jack: That sand's not gonna rake itself, Hiroshi.
[the Merchants of Death pass through a metal detector, which beeps as Bobby Jay, the firearms lobbyist, passes through] Bobby Jay Bliss: [to Nick and Polly] You guys go on ahead, this might take a while.
Jeff Megall: Oh, stop. Next thing I know, he'll be telling you what position I used to play for the Bruins. Jack: Quarterback.
[after one of Naylor's speeches] Trainee: That was awesome! Nick Naylor: Thank you.
Joey Naylor: Why are you hiding from everyone? Nick Naylor: It has something to do with being generally hated right now. Joey Naylor: But it's your job to be generally hated. Nick Naylor: It's more complicated then that, Joey. Joey Naylor: You're jus...
Nick Naylor: Gentlemen, practice these words in front of the mirror: Although we are constantly exploring the subject, currently there is no direct evidence that links cell phone usage to brain cancer.
Senator Lothridge: Now as we discussed earlier, these warning labels are not for those who know, but rather for those who don't know. What about the children? Nick Naylor: Gentleman. It's called education. It doesn't come off the side of a cigarette ...
