Joey Naylor: Mom, why can't I go to California? Jill Naylor: Because, California's just not a safe place. And besides, I'm not sure it's appropriate for your father to bring you on a business trip. Joey Naylor: Appropriate for who? Jill Naylor: What?...
Bobby Jay Bliss: Did you know that you can fool the breathalizer test by chewing on activated charcoal tablets? Polly Bailey: Well, maybe we should change our slogan to "If you must drink and drive, suck charcoal." Nick Naylor: Won't the police ask a...
Nick Naylor: That's disgusting! Bobby Jay Bliss: It's American.
[From trailer] Jack: Okay, I'm gonna bring your dad in now. Is there anything I can get you, like an orange juice, or a coffee, or a Red Bull? Joey Naylor: No, thanks. Jack: Okay. [High fives Joey]
Joey Naylor: You're The Sultan of Spin! Nick Naylor: "The Sultan of Spin"? Joey Naylor: Mom subscribes to Newsweek.
Bobby Jay Bliss: The way I heard it, D.C. police found you naked, laying in Lincoln's crotch, covered in nicotine patches with a sign across your chest that said... Polly Bailey: He doesn't need to hear the details. Bobby Jay Bliss: It was some prett...
Joey Naylor: Why did you tell that reporter all your secrets? Nick Naylor: You're too young to understand. Joey Naylor: Mom says it's because you have dependency issues and it was all just a matter of time before you threw it all away on some tramp. ...
Nick Naylor: Right there, looking into Joey's eyes, it all came back in a rush. Why I do what I do. Defending the defenseless, protecting the disenfranchised corporations that have been abandoned by their very own consumers: the logger, the sweatshop...
Nick Naylor: Polly works for the Moderation Council. A casual drinker by the age of 14, Polly quickly developed a tolerance usually reserved for Irish dockworkers. In our world, she's the woman that got the pope to endorse red wine.
[last lines] Nick Naylor: Gentlemen, practise these words in front of the mirror: Although we are constantly exploring the subject, currently there is no direct evidence that links cellphone usage to brain cancer. Nick Naylor: Michael Jordan plays ba...
Polly Bailey: How about it Nick, are you a tit man? Bobby Jay Bliss: Don't answer that, that's a trap. Nick Naylor: Depends on the tits.
Jack: [In Elevator] Did you hear that? Nick Naylor: [pause] No. Jack: Exactly.
Heather Holloway: My other interviews have pinned you as a mass murderer, blood sucker, pimp, profiteer and my personal favorite, yuppie Mephistopheles.
Jeff Megall: [Talking to Nick on the phone, late at night] Gotta go. London. It's 7 AM in the Old Empire. Nick Naylor: When do you sleep? Jeff Megall: [pause] Sunday.
Joey Naylor: Dad, why is the American government the best government? Nick Naylor: Because of our endless appeals system.
Jack: As you can see, Jeff just loves... Asian shit.
Nick Naylor: You know the guy who can pick up any girl? I'm him. On crack.
BR: Oh, I heard the Heather Holloway article is coming out tomorrow. Nick Naylor: Really? BR: Yeah, anything I should be worried about? Nick Naylor: Yeah, the Cancer Association. Apparently they have it in for us. BR: Fuckers.
