Jesse: Hey, Seth. Seth: [scared and cautious] What? Jesse: Did you hear I'm having a big grad party next Saturday? Seth: [hesitantly] No. Jesse: Yeah. [Jesse spits on Seth's shirt] Jesse: You're not invited. Tell your fucking faggot friend he can't c...
Evan: Oh, I have to go. Seth: What,? You're just gonna let me sit here and eat dessert alone like I'm Steven fucking Glandsberg? [camera pans over to Steven eating alone and staring into a distance]
Officer Michaels: Prepare to get fucked by the long dick of the law.
Seth: Its like a three thing... its like ball, dick, ball. Evan: It's like a division sign...
Officer Slater: McLovin? Were you violating that young girl? Were you violating her with your penis?
Officer Slater: Hey kid, what's your real name? Fogell: Fogell... it's Fogell. Officer Michaels: Fogell? Fuck that, we're calling you McLovin!
Seth: You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds.
Officer Michaels: How old are you McLovin? Fogell: Old enough. Fogell: Old enough for what? Fogell: To party.
Evan: I'd give my middle nut to start dating Becca.
Seth: I just wanna go to the rooftops and scream, "I love my best friend, Evan." Evan: Let's... go on my roof. Seth: [whispers] For sure.
Evan: Fogell, I just don't understand why you were smoking cigarettes with those cops. Fogell: Because I fucking rule! Oh, we are SO gonna get laid tonight! Seth: I am, I'm gonna get laid.
Good Shopper Cashier: How old are you? Seth: ...22. Good Shopper Cashier: [looks skeptical for a second, then smiles] You certainly are! That'll be 80 dollars. Seth: Oh! Okay! [pulls money out of his sleeve] Seth: Pssha! Thank you kindly! Will that d...
[last lines] Seth: [to Becca] I had such bad acne last year that I pretty much became, like, an expert on the stuff... [to Evan] Seth: You drove m... [to Becca] Seth: Evan drove me here though, so... Jules: Well, so, I mean, I have my dad's car... so...
Seth: You don't want girls to think you suck dick at fucking pussy.
Evan: Calm down, calm down. She likes you. She wants to suck on your penis. That's a good thing. It's the best.
Seth: Look at those nipples. Evan: They're like little baby toes. It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... and like, I have to hide every erection I get. Evan: Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuf...
Seth: Momma's making a pubie salad, and she wants some Seth's own dressing.
Officer Slater: [pointing gun at Evan and Seth] Spread your shit! Get on the ground! Loaded gun! Ready to go! Spread your shit! Pussies on the pavement, fellas.
