Becca: Your cock is so smooth! Evan: Your's would be too... if you were a man.
[from trailer] Seth: [referring to Evan's mother] I am truly jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby. Evan: Yeah, well, at least you got to suck on your dad's dick.
[fantasizing about how he'll get liquor] Seth: You dropped your purse, ma'am. Would you like me to help you with your groceries? Old Lady: Well that would be lovely young man. Would you like me to buy you alcohol? Seth: That would be lovely! [at the ...
Jules: You scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours. Seth: Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it's located on my cock.
Officer Michaels: Prepare to be fucked by the long dick of the law!
Becca: I'm so wet right now. Evan: Yeah... they said that would happen in health class.
Fogell: What's it like to have a gun? Officer Michaels: It's like having two cocks. If one of your cocks could kill someone.
Seth: Hey Greg, why don't you go piss your pants? Greg the Soccer Player: [turning around] That was like 8 years ago, asshole! Seth: [yelling] People don't forget!
Seth: You know when you hear girls say 'Ah man, I was so shit-faced last night, I shouldn't have fucked that guy?' We could be that mistake!
Officer Michaels: Yeah McLovin, how is it going with the ladies? Fogell: It's not the "going" I'm worried about... but the "coming".
Fogell: Oh oh, I forgot to tell you: my mom said we could have the TV from the basement... Evan: Shut the fuck up, man. He's gonna hear you. Just be quiet; wait until he goes away. Fogell: You still haven't told him that we're rooming together? Evan:...
Seth: [imitating Becca] Oh Evan, thank you for bringing that lube for my pussy. I never would've been able to handle your four inch dick inside my pussy without that gigantic bottle of lube.
Fogell: Hey! Seth: Don't tell Fogell about the party, man... Fogell: Gangstaaaaaaaaaaasss... what's up guys?
Seth: Dude! That means that by some fate we were paired together and she thought of me. Thought of me enough to want me to be responsible for the entire funness of her party! She wants to fuck me! She wants my dick in or around her mouth!
Fogell: I got a boner!
Evan: Yeah chicks go nuts for that... the male camel toe. Seth: Yea yea! The camel tail.
Officer Michaels: Ah, McLovin, McLovin, McLovin, McLovin.
Seth: That's the coolest fucking story I've ever heard in my entire life! That's insane. Is it... Can I hear it again, do you have time?
