Professor Jules Hilbert: No, why did you change the book? Kay Eiffel: Lots of reasons. I realized I just couldn't do it. Professor Jules Hilbert: Because he's real? Kay Eiffel: Because it's a book about a man who doesn't know he's about to die and th...
Harold Crick: I brought you some flours.
Harold Crick: You just said ten seconds ago, you wouldn't help me. Professor Jules Hilbert: It's been a very revealing ten seconds.
Penny Escher: [They are in a hospital ward surround by lots of sick and injured people] What are we doing here? I don't even think we're supposed to *be* in here. Kay Eiffel: You told me I needed visual stimulation. Penny Escher: Yeah, I meant a muse...
Professor Jules Hilbert: Aren't you relieved to know you're not a Golem? Harold Crick: Yes. I am relieved to know that I am not a Golem. Professor Jules Hilbert: Good. [silence] Professor Jules Hilbert: [sighs] Do you have magical powers?
Penny Escher: And I suppose you smoked all these cigarettes? Kay Eiffel: No, they came pre-smoked. Penny Escher: Yeah, they said you were funny.
Harold Crick: How are you? Ana Pascal: I'm lousy. I'm being audited. Harold Crick: Of course. Ana Pascal: By a real creep too. Harold Crick: I think I owe you an apology. Ana Pascal: Really? Harold Crick: IRS agents, we're given rigorous aptitude tes...
Harold Crick: Big flag-burning to get to? Ana Pascal: Actually, it's my weekly evil-conspiracy and needlepoint group. You wanna come? Harold Crick: I left my thimbles and socialist reading material at home. [Ana laughs]
Kay Eiffel: What's this? Penny Escher: It's literature on the nicotine patch. Kay Eiffel: I don't need a nicotine patch, Penny. I smoke cigarettes. Penny Escher: Well, it may help. Kay Eiffel: May help? Help what? Help what, Penny? Help write a novel...
Kay Eiffel: [Penny goes to answer phone] Don't answer that! Penny Escher: Didn't you say this phone never r - ? Kay Eiffel: Shh! [types another sentence; the phone rings and she runs to answer it] Kay Eiffel: Hello? Harold Crick: Is this Karen Eiffel...
Kay Eiffel: [sees Harold for the first time] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Harold Crick: Miss Eiffel? Kay Eiffel: Your hair. Your eyes. Your fingers. Your shoes. Harold Crick: Hello. I'm Harold Crick. Kay Eiffel: I know.
Harold Crick: [crying] You're asking me to knowingly face my death? Professor Jules Hilbert: Yes. Harold Crick: Really? Professor Jules Hilbert: Yes.
Harold Crick: I may already be dead, just not typed.
Penny Escher: I'm Penny Escher. I'm the assistant your publishers hired. Kay Eiffel: The spy. Penny Escher: The assistant. I provide the same services as a secretary. Kay Eiffel: I don't need a secretary. Penny Escher: Then I will have to find some o...
Kay Eiffel: [narrating] Why was Harold talking to this man? This man was an idiot.
Harold Crick: What do these questions have to do with anything? Professor Jules Hilbert: Nothing. The only way to find out what story you're in is to determine what stories you're not in. Odd as it may seem, I've just ruled out half of Greek literatu...
Penny Escher: [sitting on bench under an umbrella] May I ask what we're doing out here? Kay Eiffel: [sitting next to Penny without an umbrella] We're imagining car wrecks. Penny Escher: I see. And we can't imagine car wrecks inside? Kay Eiffel: No. D...
Ana Pascal: I won't be paying, Mr. Crick. No matter how big the percent. Harold Crick: No, I know. But the percent determines how big your cell is.
