Shaun: Mum, look, what would you say if I told you that over the years Philip's been quite unkind to me? Barbara: Well you weren't always the easiest person to live with. Shaun: Mum, he chased me around the garden with a bit of wood! Barbara: Well yo...
[Repeated exchange] Yvonne: Shaun! How are you doing? Shaun: Surviving.
[last lines] Videogame Voice: Player two has entered the game. [Ed, now a zombie, tries to bite Shaun] Shaun: Ed! Ed: [groans]
Shaun: No, Noel, no matter you might think, okay, I do not find it difficult to keep my work and my social life separate. Worker: Shaun, it's Liz for you. [hands him the phone]
Ed: See? You don't need Liz to have a good time. Shaun: Oh, don't, man. Ed: No! Go ahead, look at me. Can I just say one more thing? I'm not gonna say, you know, there's plenty more fish in the sea. I'm not going to say if you love her, let her go. A...
[Ed is driving Philip's Jaguar very fast, dodging other cars as he tries to escape the zombies] Philip: [pompously] You *do* realise this is a 20 mph zone? Ed: [grinning] Oh yeah!
Barbara: Hello Pickle! It's me, mum. Dad said he saw you in town today and mentioned that you might be visiting tomorrow, which would be lovely. Will you be bringing Elizabeth with you this time? Only we can't wait to meet her finally and also um... ...
Ed: [Directing Shaun on where to shoot] There! Shaun: Where? Ed: Three o'clock! Dianne: Oh! Over there again. Quarter to twelve. Shaun: What? David: Eleven forty-five! Shaun: Keep it simple! Ed: Top left!
Liz: Well... is it clear? Shaun: No. Liz: How many? Shaun: Lots. [pan up to show a horde of zombies behind the fence]
[Philip is crouched beside the car, after being bitten by a zombie] Philip: You're not driving that car.
[in "I Married A Zombie" sketch] Trisha Goddard: You go to bed with it?
[Shaun hands Liz a bunch of flowers] Shaun: Got you these. [Liz reads the label] Liz: "To a wonderful mum"? Shaun: [sniggers] Oooh! Yeah, that's, because... I thought, it would be, funny, because of what you said last night about me y'know, don't wan...
Shaun: [about Ed] Oh, he sells a bit of weed every now and again, you know. You've sold puff. Pete: Yeah. Once. At college. To you.
[describing the zombies] Dianne: Just look at the face: it's vacant, with a hint of sadness. Like a drunk who's lost a bet.
[trying to call the emergency services] Ed: Shaun, what's going on? Shaun: Shit, it's engaged! Ed: How about an ambulance? Shaun: It's engaged, Ed. Ed: A fire engine? Shaun: It's one number, Ed, and it's busy! Okay? What you want a fire engine for, a...
Jeremy Thompson - Newsreader: To recap, it is *vital* that you stay in your homes. Make no attempt to reach loved ones, and avoid all physical contact with the assailants. Ed: Do you believe everything you hear on TV?
Barbara: It's been a funny sort of day, hasn't it?
Liz: You hang out with my friends? Sorry, a failed actress and a twat? Shaun: Well, that's a bit harsh. Liz: Your words! Shaun: I did NOT call Dianne a failed actress!
