Leonard Smalls: Name's Smalls. Leonard Smalls. My friends call me Lenny... only I ain't got no friends.
Leonard Smalls: You want to find an outlaw, hire an outlaw. You want to find a Dunkin' Donuts, call a cop.
Ed McDonnough: You mean you busted out of jail. Evelle: No, ma'am. We released ourselves on our own recognizance. Gale: What Evelle here is trying to say is that we felt that the institution no longer had anything to offer us.
Gale: All right, ya hayseeds, it's a stick-up. Everybody freeze. Everybody down on the ground. Feisty Hayseed: Well, which is it, young feller? You want I should freeze or get down on the ground? Mean to say, if'n I freeze, I can't rightly drop. And ...
Glen: How many Polacks it take to screw up a lightbulb? H.I.: I don't know, Glen. One? Glen: Nope, it takes three. [Glen laughs. H.I. doesn't] Glen: Wait a minute, I told it wrong. Here, I'm startin' over: How come it takes three Polacks to screw up ...
H.I.: Edwina's insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.
Evelle: [about the balloons he just bought] These blow up into funny shapes and all? Grocer: Well no... unless round is funny.
[an old convict and H.I. lying on their prison bunks, passing the time] Ear-Bending Cellmate: ...and when there was no meat, we ate fowl and when there was no fowl, we ate crawdad and when there was no crawdad to be found, we ate sand. H.I.: You ate ...
Parole Board chairman: They've got a name for people like you H.I. That name is called "recidivism." Parole Board member: Repeat offender! Parole Board chairman: Not a pretty name, is it H.I.? H.I.: No, sir. That's one bonehead name, but that ain't m...
H.I.: There's what's right and there's what's right and never the twain shall meet.
Ed McDonnough: [sobbing] Turn to the right. H.I.: What's the matter, Ed? Ed McDonnough: My "fy-ance" left me. H.I.: [narrating] She said her fiancé had run off with a student cosmetologist, who knew how to ply her feminine wiles. H.I.: [out loud] Th...
Machine Shop Ear-Bender: So we were doin' paramedical work in affiliation with the state highway system. Not actual practice, you understand. And me & Bill were patrolling down Nine Miles. H.I.: Bill Roberts? Machine Shop Ear-Bender: No, not that mot...
H.I.: If it's all the same to you, Honey, I think I'll skip this little get together, slip out with the boys and knock back a couple of Coca Colas. [Ed gives him a look of disapproval] H.I.: I guess that wouldn't be such a good idea. Gale: So many so...
Evelle: H.I., you're young and you got your health, what you want with a job?
H.I.: Sometimes it's a hard world for small things.
H.I.: Wake up, Son. [aims gun at the clerk] H.I.: I'll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash ya got. Ed McDonnough: [sees H.I. from the car] That son' bitch. That son of a bitch! You son of a bitch! H.I.: Better hurry it up, I'm in dutch with the...
Nathan Arizona Sr.: You want that $25,000 reward, you go ahead and claim it. What's there to talk about? Leonard Smalls: Price. A fair price. That's not what you say it is, and it's not what I say it is... It's what the market will bear. Now there's ...
Prison Counsellor: Why do you say you feel "trapped" in a man's body? "Trapped" Convict: Well, sometimes I get them menstrual cramps real hard.
