Clark: Oh, you can't think I'd do this on purpose? Look... I tied him to the rear bumper while I was packing the car. It was very confusing. I must have forgot. I'm very sorry, I feel terrible. Motorcycle Cop: How do you think that little dog feels? ...
Clark Griswald: [to the Dodge City bartender] Hey Knucklehead, set us up with four Red eye's will ya? [the bartender ignors him] Clark Griswald: Hey Yellabelly, I'm talking to you! [the bartender glares at Clark] Clark Griswald: Hey Tender foot, move...
[repeated line] Ellen Griswold: Clark, what are you doing?
Mechanic 2: Ain't never seen anyone so shit-all stupid as you driving off that road. You musta got manure for your brains. Clark: Yeah, well, I'm from out of town. So, what's the bill? Come on, come on, how much? Mechanic 1: How much you got? Clark: ...
Ed, the car salesman: I'll get to the bottom of this. Davenport! Davenport: Yes, Mr. Ed? Ed, the car salesman: Mr. Griswold ordered a blue sports wagon, where is it? Davenport: I don't know sir. Ed, the car salesman: [to Clark] I know what must have ...
Ellen Griswold: [after the bartender shoots at Clark] Clark, I don't think that was funny. A loud noise like that could damage the kids' hearing. Clark Griswald: C'mon, Ellen. It looked real. Hell - I thought it was a real gun. Didn't you think it wa...
Clark Griswald: Roy... can I call you Roy? Have you even driven cross-country? Roy Walley: Oh, hell yes. Drove the whole family to Florida. Worst two weeks I ever spent in my life. The smell from the back seat was terrible. Clark Griswald: Ooooh. Ooo...
Clark Griswald: So, this is the old homestead, eh? Cousin Eddie: Yeah. I don't know for how much longer, though. The bank's been after me like flies on a rib roast.
Clark: Why aren't we flying? Because getting there is half the fun. You know that.
Clark: Oh Ellen, the old west was dirty. Everything isn't like home. If everything were like home, there would be no reason for leaving home. Right, Rusty?
Ellen Griswold: I honestly don't think you're going to find the Grand Canyon on this road. Clark: Jesus, it's only the biggest damn hole in the world. Aunt Edna: Clark, watch your language! Clark: Make that the second biggest.
Ellen Griswold: [into a phone] I'm not sure of his exact height and weight. All I know is the man was a saint with children and a genius with food additives and he was... Clark!
Clark: I don't give a frog's fat ass who went through what. We need money! Hey, Russ, wanna look through Aunt Edna's purse?
Rusty Griswold: Hey, ya' got Pac Man? Cousin Dale: No. Rusty Griswold: Ya' got Space Invaders? Cousin Dale: Nope. Rusty Griswold: Ya' got Asteroids? Cousin Dale: Naw, but my dad does. Can't even sit on the toilet some days.
Ellen Griswold: Gee Cath looks like you really got your hands full. Catherine: Oh, it's not so bad. Eddie says after the baby comes, I can quit one of my night jobs.
Clark: I'm making this out for one thousand dollars. All you have to do is give me 300 dollars in cash and keep 700 dollars, all for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.
[In Cousin Normy's backyard in the pouring rain] Ellen Griswold: We can't leave her on the patio! Clark: Would you rather I slipped her in the night deposit box at the funeral home?
Audrey Griswold: She breathed on me! A dead person breathed on me!
