Clark: I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. You're gonna have fun, and I'm gonna hav...
[after driving off the road] Ellen Griswold: I think I broke my nose. Rusty Griswold: I stabbed my brain. Audrey Griswold: I just got my period.
Motorcycle Cop: Do you know what the penalty for animal cruelty is in this state? Clark: No, sir, I don't. Motorcycle Cop: Well... it's probably pretty stiff.
Cousin Eddie: I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you, Clark? Clark: You're the gourmet around here, Eddie.
Rusty Griswold: Is that a real gun, Mom? Ellen Griswold: I don't know, Rusty, but when this is all over, your father... may be going away for a little while.
[Delivering the eulogy for Aunt Edna, flatly] Clark: O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair. Yea, admit this good and decent woman into thine arms in the flock in thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he laid its down by th...
Cousin Vicki: I'm going steady, and I French kiss. Audrey Griswold: So? Everybody does that. Cousin Vicki: Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.
Eddie: I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory, and wouldn't you know it, the army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn't big enough.
Clark: Hey, hey, easy kids. Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes... or perhaps you don't want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away?
Marty Moose: Sorry, folks! We're closed for two weeks to clean and repair America's favorite family fun park. Sorry, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!
Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: That's not a real gun, is it Clark? Clark: Are you kidding? This is a Magnum P.I. Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: It's a BB gun! Clark: Don't tempt me. I could put an eye out with this thing. Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: You...
Rusty Griswold: Wow dad, we must have jumped that rail by like 50 yards. Clark: Nothing to be proud of Russ... [pauses as Rusty walks away] Clark: [proudly] ... 50 yards...
Clark: Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the express way? Pimp: Fuck yo mama! Clark: Thank you very much.
Clark Griswald: [talking about Aunt Edna] She can't weigh more than 100 pounds. Ellen Griswald: Oh, no. You can't just put her on the roof. Audrey Griswald: Yes, he can! Clark Griswald: You want me to strap her to the hood? She'll be fine. It's not a...
Aunt Edna: I was afraid you'd get pulled over, Clark. You've been exeeding the speed limit for thousands of miles! Rusty Griswold: Dad wasn't speeding. The cop stopped us because Dad forgot to... Ellen Griswold: He was speeding, Rusty! Rusty Griswold...
[Clark punches the Marty Moose statue] Ellen Griswold: Clark, what are you doing? Clark: We watch his program... We buy his toys, we go to his movies... he owes us. Doesn't he owe us, huh? He owes the Griswolds, right? Fucking-A right he owes us!
Clark: Could I do your back, honey? Ellen Griswold: I've already done my back. Clark: Could I do your front? Ellen Griswold: Go do your own front.
Audrey Griswold: Mom, where can I go to the bathroom? Ellen Griswold: Find a bush Audrey!
