Max Jerry Horovitz: [to Mary] You are my best friend. You are my only friend.
Max Jerry Horovitz: When I was young, I invented an invisible friend called Mr Ravioli. My psychiatrist says I don't need him anymore, so he just sits in the corner and reads.
Max Jerry Horovitz: Unfortunately, in America, babies are not found in cola cans. I asked my mother when I was four, and she said they came from eggs laid by rabbis. If you aren't Jewish, they're laid by Catholic nuns. If you're an atheist, they're l...
Max Jerry Horovitz: [in letter to Mary] I cannot understand how being honest can be considered improper. Maybe this is why I don't have any friends.
Max Jerry Horovitz: Butts are bad because they wash out to sea, and fish smoke them and become nicotine-dependent.
Max Jerry Horovitz: The reason I forgive you is because you are not perfect. You are imperfect. And so am I. All humans are imperfect.
Max Jerry Horovitz: People often think I am tactless and rude. I cannot understand how being honest can be improper. Maybe this is why I don't have any friends.
Max Jerry Horovitz: [to Mary] Dr. Bernard Hazelhof said if I was on a desert island, then I would have to get used to my own company - just me and the coconuts. He said I would have to accept myself, my warts and all, and that we don't get to choose ...
Narrator: Max knew nothing about love. It was as foreign to him as a salad sandwich.
Max Jerry Horovitz: Not much has happened since I last wrote except for my manslaughter charges, lotto win, and Ivy's death.
Max Jerry Horovitz: I was born Jewish and used to believe in God but I've since read many books that have proven God is just a figment of my imagination. People like to believe in God 'cause it answers difficult questions, like where did the universe...
Max Jerry Horovitz: I have also invented some new words. "Confuzzled", which is being confused and puzzled at the same time, "snirt", which is a cross between snow and dirt, and "smushables", which are squashed groceries you find at the bottom of the...
Narrator: Max hoped Mary would write again. He'd always wanted a friend. A friend that wasn't invisible, a pet or rubber figurine.
[last lines] Narrator: He smelled like licorice and old books, she thought to herself, as tears rolled from her eyes, the color of muddy puddles.
Max Jerry Horovitz: Do you have a favourite-sounding word? My top-five are "ointment," "bumblebee," "Vladivostok," "banana," and "testicle."
Max Jerry Horovitz: Jurors are outstanding members of the community who haven't murdered anybody.
[first lines] Narrator: Mary Dinkle's eyes were the color of muddy puddles. Her birthmark, the color of poo.
Max Jerry Horovitz: It would be good if there was a Fat Fairy. She would be a bit like the Tooth Fairy but would suck out your fat.
