Life of Brian Quotes

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Brian's mother: He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy! Now, piss off!

Life of Brian

Spectator I: I think it was "Blessed are the cheesemakers". Mrs. Gregory: Aha, what's so special about the cheesemakers? Gregory: Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally; it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.

Life of Brian

Brian: Please, please, please listen! I've got one or two things to say. The Crowd: Tell us! Tell us both of them! Brian: Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't NEED to follow ME, You don't NEED to follow ANYBODY! You've got to think for your selve...

Life of Brian

Brian: Excuse me. Are you the Judean People's Front? Reg: Fuck off! 'Judean People's Front'. We're the People's Front of Judea! 'Judean People's Front'. Francis: Wankers.

Life of Brian

Nisus Wettus: [a line of prisoners files past a jailer] Nisus Wettus: Crucifixion? Prisoner: Yes. Nisus Wettus: Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each. [Next prisoner] Nisus Wettus: Crucifixion? Mr. Cheeky: Er, no, freedom actually. ...

Life of Brian

Matthias: Look, I don't think it should be a sin, just for saying "Jehovah". [Everyone gasps] Jewish Official: You're only making it worse for yourself! Matthias: Making it worse? How can it be worse? Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah! Jewish Official: I'm w...

Life of Brian

Reg: All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us? Attendee: Brought peace? Reg: Oh, peace - shut up! Reg: There ...

Life of Brian

Brian: I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly! Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity. Brian: What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah! Followers: ...

Life of Brian

Stan: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them. Reg: But you can't have babies. Stan: Don't you oppress me. Reg: Where's the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?

Life of Brian

Ex-Leper: Okay, sir, my final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper? Brian: Did you say "ex-leper"? Ex-Leper: That's right, sir, 16 years behind a veil and proud of it, sir. Brian: Well, what happened? Ex-Leper: Oh, cured, sir. Brian: Cured? Ex-Le...

Life of Brian

[first lines] Wise Man #1: Ahem! Brian's mother: Oh! [falls over in chair] Brian's mother: Who are you? Wise Man #2: We are three wise men. Brian's mother: What? Wise Man #1: We are three wise men. Brian's mother: Well, what are you doing creeping ar...

Life of Brian

Judith: [on Stan's desire to be a mother] Here! I've got an idea: Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb - which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans' - but that he can have the *right* to have babies. Francis: Good...

Life of Brian

Wise Man #1: We were led by a star. Brian's mother: Led by a bottle, more like.

Life of Brian

Brian: What will they do to me? Ben the Prisoner: Oh you'll probably get away with crucifixion. Brian: CRUCIFIXION? Ben the Prisoner: Yeah, first offense.

Life of Brian

[last lines] Lead Singer Crucifee: [as end credits role and crucifees are singing "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life"] It's the end of the film. Incidentally, this record's available in the foyer. Some of us have got to live as well, you know. W...

Life of Brian

Brian: Have I got a big nose, Mum? Brian's mother: Stop thinking about sex! Brian: I wasn't! Brian's mother: You're always on about it. "Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small? "

Life of Brian

Suicide Squad Leader: We are the Judean People's Front crack suicide squad! Suicide squad, attack! [they all stab themselves] Suicide Squad Leader: That showed 'em, huh?

Life of Brian

Centurion: Where is Brian of Nazareth? Brian: You sanctimonious bastards! Centurion: I have an order for his release! Brian: You stupid bastards! Mr. Cheeky: Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth. Brian: What? Mr. Cheeky: Yeah, I - I - I'm Brian of Nazareth. Cen...

Life of Brian