Rebecca: This is so bad it's almost good. Enid: This is so bad it's gone past good and back to bad again.
Seymour: I can't relate to 99% of humanity.
[In a cafe, a shy young man has just given them a flyer, telling him that his band is playing there on Friday night] Enid: God, what a dork. Rebecca: You're just jealous. Enid: Trust me, at this point I'm past the fact that every single guy likes you...
Enid: I think only stupid people have good relationships. Seymour: That's the spirit.
[Seymour is trying to interest a fellow collector in a record he's selling] Paul, the Fussy Guy - Record Collector: It has a enlarged centre hole and a hair-crack. Seymour: But the crack is so tight it's completely inaudible. Paul, the Fussy Guy - Re...
Enid: [coming out of their high school graduation ceremony] God, what a bunch of retards. Rebecca: God, I know, I thought Chipmunk-face was never going to shut up. Enid: I know, I liked her so much better when she was an alcoholic crack addict. She g...
[Seymour can't wait for two mothers and their many kids to cross an intersection] Seymour: What are we, in slow motion here? C'mon, what are you, hypnotized? Have some more kids, why don't you? Jesus Christ, *move it*!
Seymour: Well, I have to admit that things are really starting to look up for me since my life turned to shit.
Weird Al: Hi. My name is Allen, and I'll be your waiter this afternoon. Enid: Hi, Al. Rebecca: Can we call you 'Weird Al'? Weird Al: I'd imagine so.
Enid: How come in all that time I was trying to get you a date, you never asked me out? Seymour: [surprised] You're a beautiful young girl, I couldn't imagine you'd have any interest in me except as an amusingly cranky eccentric curiosity. Enid: At l...
Joe: It's a waste of time trying to logically figure out the female brain, that's for sure. Maybe she got another boyfriend. [farts] Seymour: Well... thanks for cheering me up!
Rebecca: I remember this hat. This is from your little old lady phase!
Enid: Sometimes I think I'm going crazy from sexual frustration. Rebecca: And you haven't heard of the miracle of masturbation?
Masterpiece Video Clerk: [smiling] Hello, welcome to Masterpiece Video. How may I help you this afternoon, sir? Masterpiece Video Customer: I'm looking for a copy of 8 1/2. Masterpiece Video Clerk: Is that a new release, sir? Masterpiece Video Custom...
Alcoholic Customer: Do you serve beer or any alcohol? Enid: I wish. Actually you wish, after about five minutes of this movie, you're gonna wish you had ten beers.
Enid: You know, we need to find a place where you can go to meet women who share your interests. Seymour: Well maybe I don't want to meet someone who shares my interests. I hate my interests. Enid: Yeah, yeah, just list your five main interests in or...
Enid: [looking at the racist logo of Coon Chicken Inn] So, I don't really get it... Are you saying that things were better back then, even though there was stuff like this? Seymour: I suppose things are better now, but... I don't know, it's complicat...
Enid: [noticing a pair of jeans on the sidewalk] Hey, look. There's the pants.
