Father McGruder: I kick ass for the Lord!
Lionel Cosgrove: That's my mother you're pissing on.
Father McGruder: Stand back boy! This calls for divine intervention!
Paquita Maria Sanchez: Your mother ate my dog! Lionel Cosgrove: Not all of it.
Lionel Cosgrove: [about to charge at the zombies with a hoisted law mower] Party's over!
Undertaker: [as Vera's eyes pop out and green slime sprays out] Cranial blowout!
Vet: Do you want a syringe, or are you going to sniff?
Guide: You've got... *the bite*! Stewart: [the guide reaches for a machete] There's some Dettol in the Jeep...
Mum: [Sucking Lionel into her gaping womb] No-one will ever love you like your mother!
[to two housewives, after beating up Baby Selwyn in a public park and stuffing him into a duffel bag] Lionel Cosgrove: Hyperactive!
Mr. Matheson: [Eating custard with Vera's pus squirted in it] Damn fine custard. Rich and creamy, just the way I like it!
Uncle Les: Ahhh, so you found your father's old stag movies, didn't ya?
Mr. Matheson: What we need is another war!
Lionel Cosgrove: They're not dead exactly, they're just... sort of rotting.
Uncle Les: Is that the one with the donkey and the chambermaid?
Zoo Keeper: Story goes, these great big rats come scuttling off the slave ships and raped all the little tree monkeys. The natives use them in black magic rituals. Don't ask me how, probably suck the blood of virgins, eh, eh?
Uncle Les: Christ! What a stink! Lionel Cosgrove: Uh... yeah. A dog must have uh, crawled under the house and died.
Uncle Les: She's history! I know what to do, I've read the comics! Total... bodily... dismemberment!
