Silent Bob: [His only line] You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.
Randal Graves: This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers.
Blue Collar Man: Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but, uh, what are you talking about? Randal Graves: The ending of "Return of the Jedi". Dante Hicks: My friend here's trying to convince me that any independent contractors who were working on th...
[repeated line] Dante Hicks: I'm not even supposed to be here today!
Dante Hicks: You hate people! Randal Graves: But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?
Randal Graves: Oh what, what's with you, man? You haven't said anything for like 20 minutes. What the hell's your problem? Dante Hicks: This life. Randal Graves: This life? Dante Hicks: Why do I have this life? Randal Graves: Have some chips, you'll ...
Randal Graves: My mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad.
[after losing a hockey ball from the roof] Dante Hicks: Are there any balls down there? Jay: About the biggest pair you ever seen, dingleberry!
Dante Hicks: 37! My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks! Customer with Diapers: In a row?
Randal Graves: Embolism in a pool. Dante Hicks: What an embarrassing way to die. Randal Graves: That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died. Dante Hicks: How did he die? Randal Graves: He broke his neck. Dante Hicks: That's embarrassing? Ran...
[on his past relationship with Caitlin] Dante Hicks: She was supposed to meet Brad Michaelson in a dark bedroom. She picked the wrong one. She didn't even know I was at the party. Randal Graves: Oh, my God. Dante Hicks: Great story, huh? Randal Grave...
[after a customer got his hand stuck in a can of Pringles] Dante Hicks: A little word of advice, my friend. Sometimes you gotta let those hard-to-reach chips go.
Randal Graves: Melodrama coming from you seems about as natural as an oral bowel movement.
Coroner: My question is, how did she come to have sex with a dead man? Dante Hicks: She thought it was me. Coroner: What kind of convenience store do you run here?
Randal Graves: People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom."
Caged Animal Masturbator: It's important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That's why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.
Olaf Oleeson: [singing] My love for you is like a truck, BERZERKER! Would you like some making fuck, BERZERKER! Jay: [snickering] That's fucking funny, man. Jay's Lady Friend: Did he say "making fuck"?
Veronica Loughran: You men make me feel sick. You'll sleep with anything that says yes. Dante Hicks: Animal, mineral or vegetable. Veronica Loughran: Vegetable, meaning paraplegic. Dante Hicks: They put up the least amount of struggle.
