Clark: 'Tis the season to be merry. Mary: That's my name. Clark: No shit.
Clark: My cousin in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain... Eddie: I appreciate that, Clark. Clark: ...Is innocent.
Clark: Whew, it's warm in here. Mary: Well you have your coat on. Clark: Ah yes I do, why is that? Mary: Because it's cold out. Clark: Yes it is, it's a bit nipply out. I mean nippy out, what did I say, nipple? Huh, there is a nip in the air.
[talking about Snot, Eddie's dog] Eddie: If you scratch his belly, Clark, he will love you till the day you die. Clark: I really shouldn't, Eddie. My hands are all chapped.
Ellen: Welcome to our home - what's left of it.
Margo: You just march over there and slug that creep in the face. Todd: I can't just attack someone. Margo: All right then, if you're not man enough to put an end to this shit, then I am.
Clark: I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà. Ellen: Are you okay?
Audrey: Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?
Clark: [Clark looks down at the jello and sees that it's trimmed with cat food] Aunt Bethany, does your cat eat jello? Eddie: I don't know about the cat, but *I* sure am enjoying it.
Audrey: [Commenting on sleeping with her brother] I have nightmares about what he does when I'm NOT lying next to him.
Art: The little lights... they aren't twinkling. Clark: I know, Art. Thanks for noticing.
Art: [to Rocky] You got a kiss for me? Eddie: Better take a rain check on that, Art - he's got a lip fungus they ain't identified yet...
Margo: [a knock on the door] Go away Todd. [another knock] Margo: If you want to come in you'll have to break down the goddamn door! [Several SWAT officers bust down the door]
Mr. Frank Shirley: I have never been treated like this in my life. Ellen: I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping.
Uncle Lewis: What is that?
Ellen: [sees Clark standing up and looking out the window] Aren't you having any breakfast? Clark: I'm not in the mood. Ellen: What are you looking at? Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an...
