Clark: Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people a...
Clark: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're g...
Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on its way in from New York City. Eddie: [after a pause] You serious, Clark?
Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark? Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.
Ellen: What are you looking at? Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer... [Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toil...
[Todd and Margo Chester, the Griswold's yuppie neighbors, appear] Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big? Clark: Bend over and I'll show you. Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold. Clark: I ...
Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace. Aunt Bethany: [turns to Lewis] What, dear? Nora Griswold: Grace! Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away thirty years ago. Uncle Lewis: They want you ...
Eddie: She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don't know.
Eddie: Don't go puttin' none of that stuff on my sled, Clark. You know that metal plate in my head? I had to have it replaced, cause every time Catherine revved up the microwave I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for a half hour or so. So over at...
Aunt Bethany: What's that sound? You hear it? It's a funny squeaky sound. Uncle Lewis: You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.
Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. Him's nervous. Clark: Nervous or excited? Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks. Clark: You shouldn't use that word. Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin' rocks
Clark: Russ, we checked every bulb, didn't we? Rusty Griswold: Sure, Dad. Clark: Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check... Rusty Griswold: Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still g...
Ellen: Clark, I think it'd be best if everyone went home... before things get worse. Clark: WORSE? How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell.
Clark: So, when did you get the tenament on wheels? Eddie: Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it? Clark: Yeah, it looks so nice parked in...
Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark? Clark: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.
Clark: Burn some dust here. Eat my rubber. Rusty Griswold: Dad, I think you mean burn rubber and eat my dust. Clark: Whatever, Russ. Whatever.
Bethany: Don't throw me down, Clark. Clark: I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany...
Clark: [Finally revealing his Christmas Bonus] It's a membership to the Jelly of the Month Club. Eddie: [Overwhelmed, almost choking on his eggnog] Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving throughout the entire year.
