Clark: [realizes his bonus is a jelly-club membership] If this isn't the biggest bag-over-the-head, punch-in-the-face I ever got, GOD DAMN IT! [kicks widly at the presents under the tree]
Eddie: [Referring to the electrocuted cat] That thing had nine lives, you just spent 'em all.
Art: You want to hurry this up, Clark? I'm freezing my baguettes off.
Clark: [the newel post is wobbly so Clark cuts it off with a chain saw] Fixed the newel post.
Mr. Frank Shirley: [picks up the phone receiver] Get me somebody. Anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting.
Clark: Our holidays were always such a mess. Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah. Clark: How'd you get through it? Clark Sr.: I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.
Ruby Sue: Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus? Clark: I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.
Clark: I think you've made a terrible mistake. SWAT Commander: I told you to freeze, mister. Clark: May we blink?
Margo: I hope he falls and breaks his neck. Todd: Oh, I'm sure he'll fall. But I don't think we're lucky enough for him to break his neck.
Clark: Later dudes! Let 'er rip, hang ten!
Art: It was an ugly tree anyway.
Ellen: Clark! I don't want to spend the Holidays dead!
Eddie: Don't forget the rubber sheets and gerbils.
Eddie: [holding Aunt Bethany's present] This one here, is leaking. [Ellen sticks her finger in the leak. Eddie leans over and sucks it off her finger] Eddie: It's lime!
Clark: I can't believe you're standing here in my living room, Eddie. Never thought the day would come. Eddie: Yeah I'm excited about it too.
Eddie: Your company kill all them people in India not too long ago? Clark: No, we missed out on that one.
Clark: No, Eddie. It was my fault. I lost my temper when I got my bonus and I guess I said a few thing I shouldn't have. Mr. Frank Shirley: Bonus? How did you get a bonus? I cut out bonuses this year. Clark: Yeah. Thanks for telling us. I was expecti...
Mr. Frank Shirley: Sometimes things look good on paper, but lose their luster when you see how it affects real folks. I guess a healthy bottom line doesn't mean much if to get it, you have to hurt the ones you depend on. It's people that make the dif...
