Ellen: You set standards that no family activity can live up to. Clark: When have I ever done that? Ellen: Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays... Clark: Goodnight Ellen Ellen: Vacations, graduations...
Clark: I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.
Eddie: [walks in with a bound and gagged Mr. Shirley tied with a big red ribbon] Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas, Clark. [to Mr. Shirley] Eddie: You about ready to do some kissing?
Clark: [Clark is about to cut the rope holding the branches of his huge Christmas tree] I give you the Griswold family Christmas tree. [He cuts the rope, and the branches fly out, breaking windows and surrounding Clark] Clark: Lotta sap in here! Mmmm...
Mrs. Helen Shirley: Yes officer, it seems my husband's been abducted. The man was, was wearing a blue leisure suit. Plates were from Kansas. He was a huge, beastly, bulging man.
Mr. Frank Shirley: [to Clark] You're fired! And where's the phone? I'm calling the police! Eddie: Now, just hold your wad there, fella. Clark had nothin' to do with this. This here, was my idea. Mr. Frank Shirley: All right, he's still fired. And, *y...
Clark: [the Christmas dinner table shudders, and loud gagging noises come from underneath. Clark looks to see where its coming from] Edward, what's wrong with the dog? Eddie: [Looks underneath the table] Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone. [Grotesque ba...
Clark: We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols. Audrey: We're...
Eddie: Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so.
Audrey: Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is? Ellen: Well, I'm sleeping with your father. Don't be so dramatic.
[after reaching the Griswolds' house] Aunt Bethany: Is this the airport, Clark?
[after Clark fails at lighting all the exterior Christmas lights at the "lighting ceremony" in front of the entire family] Frances: Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was. Audrey: He worked re...
Clark: Russ, go get the hammer. Ellen: Clark, what do you need a hammer for? Clark: I'm gonna catch it in the coat... And smack it with the hammer.
Art: [a messenger delivers Clark's envelope with his "bonus", the family looks questioningly] What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?
Eddie: If only I had that money Catherine and I gave to that TV preacher who was screwin' that hockey player. Clark: What about the kids? Eddie: His kids can fend for themselves.
Art: [after Clark has flipped out] You're goofy. Clark: [Still flipped out] Don't piss me off, Art.
[Uncle Lewis lights his cigar accidentally burns the Christmas tree] Clark: Lewis? My tree! Uncle Lewis: So what's the matter with you? Clark: Look what you've done to my tree!
Clark: Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing. I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Wh...
