Bart: Sir, he specifically requested two "niggers". Well, to tell the family secret, my grandmother was Dutch.
[Jim downs a bottle of whiskey in one long guzzle] Bart: A man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to DIE. Jim: [eagerly] When?
Lili Von Shtupp: [singing] I've been with thousands of men/again and again/they promise the moon/they're always coming and going and going and coming... and always too soon. Lili Von Shtupp: [spoken] Right, girls?
Lili Von Shtupp: Hello, cowboy. What's your name? Tex: Tex, ma'am! Lili Von Shtupp: "Texmam"? Tell me, Texmam, are you in show business? Tex: Well, no... Lilly von Schtupp: Then why don't you get your fwiggin' feet off the stage?
Taggart: Send a wire to the main office and tell them I said... [Bart whacks him with a shovel] Taggart: OW! Lyle: [writing] Send wire, main office, tell them I said "ow". Gotcha!
[the Governor is having trouble putting his pen back into its holder] Hedley Lamarr: Think of your secretary... [the pen goes straight in] Governor William J. Le Petomane: Thank you. That's a good one.
Howard Johnson: [reading] As honorary chairman of the welcoming committee, it's my privilege to present a laurel and hearty handshake to our new... [looks up and sees Bart] Howard Johnson: ...nigger.
[Jim the Waco Kid has just shot the guns out of the hands of a dozen henchmen] Bart: Well, don't just stand there looking stupid, grasping your hands in pain. How about a round of applause for The Waco Kid?
Taggart: I got it! I know how we can run everyone out of Rock Ridge. Hedley Lamarr: How? Taggart: We'll kill the first born male child in every household. Hedley Lamarr: [after some consideration] Too Jewish.
[Harriet Johnson reads her letter to the Governor] Harriet Johnson: [quietly] To the honorable William J. LePetomaine, Governor... Townspeople: Louder! We can't hear you! Harriet Johnson: I'm not used to public speaking. [clears her throat] Harriet J...
Hedley Lamarr: Gentlemen, please rest your sphincters.
Olson Johnson: [after Gabby Johnson's speech] Now who can argue with that? I think we're all indebted to Gabby Johnson for clearly stating what needed to be said. I'm particulary glad that these lovely children were here today to hear that speech. No...
Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications? Gum Chewer: [chewing gum] Murder... armed robbery... mayhem... Hedley Lamarr: Wait a moment. What have you got in your mouth? Gum Chewer: [stops chewing] Nuff'm. Hedley Lamarr: "Nuff'm", eh? Lyle! Lyle: [searches the ma...
Hedley Lamarr: Repeat after me: I... Men: I... Hedley Lamarr: ...your name... Men: ...your name... Hedley Lamarr: [to himself] Shmucks. [continues aloud] Hedley Lamarr: ...pledge allegiance... Men: ...pledge allegiance... Hedley Lamarr: ...to Hedley ...
Bart: Just give me twenty-four hours to come up with a brilliant idea to save our town. Just twenty-four hours, that's all I ask. Townspeople: [in unison] No! Bart: You'd do it for Randolph Scott. Townspeople: [reverently] Randolph Scott... Townspeop...
Taggart: The surveyors say they may have run into some quicksand up ahead. Better check it out. Lyle: Okay, I'll send down a team of horses to check out the ground. Taggart: *Horses*? [hits Lyle's head] Taggart: We can't afford to lose any horses, yo...
[Gabby Johnson sees the sheriff riding into town] Gabby Johnson: Hey! The sheriff's a nig... [Clock bell chimes] Harriet Johnson: What did he say? Dr. Sam Johnson: He said the sheriff's near. Gabby Johnson: No, gone blame it dang blammit! The sheriff...
Bart: Well, Jim, since you are my guest and I am your host, what's your pleasure? What do you like to do? Jim: Oh, I don't know. Play chess... screw... Bart: [quickly] Well, let's play chess.
