[to two members of the KKK, while pretending to capture Bart] Jim: Oh, boys! Lookee what I got heyuh. Bart: Hey, where the white women at?
Jim: [consoling Bart] What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny"? "Make yourself at home"? "Marry my daughter"? You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons.
Hedley Lamarr: My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives. Taggart: God darnit, Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.
[Bart returns unexpectedly after being sentenced to death] Charlie: They said you was hung. Bart: And they was right.
Mexican Bandit: Badges? We don't need no stinking badges.
Taggart: What do you want me to do, sir? Hedley Lamarr: I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the west. Take this down. [Taggart looks for a pen and paper while Hedley talks] Hedley Lamarr: I want rustlers, cut throats, murd...
Bart: I better go check out this Mongo character. [Bart reaches for his gun] Jim: Oh no, don't do that, don't do that. If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad.
[Bart, disguised as a Klansman, describes his qualifications as a villain] Bart: Stampeding cattle. Hedley Lamarr: That's not much of a crime. Bart: Through the Vatican? Hedley Lamarr: [smiling] Kinkyyyy. Sign here.
Taggart: I got it! I got it! Hedley Lamarr: You do? Taggart: We'll work up a Number 6 on 'em. Hedley Lamarr: [frowns] "Number 6"? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one. Taggart: Well, that's where we go a-ridin' into town, a-whompin' and a-whumpi...
Mongo: Mongo no go. Mongo stay with Sheriff Bart. Sheriff Bart first man ever whip Mongo. Mongo impressed. Have deep feelings for Sheriff Bart.
Jim: Well, it got so that every piss-ant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. It got pretty gritty. I started to hear the word "draw" in my slee...
[Lamarr's posse rides up on Bart's diversion: a single tollbooth in the middle of the desert] Taggart: *LePetomaine Thruway*? Now what'll that asshole think of next? [turns to the posse] Taggart: Has anybody got a dime? [henchmen grumble, search thei...
Bart: Mornin', ma'am. And isn't it a lovely mornin'? Elderly Woman: Up yours, nigger.
Hedley Lamarr: Meeting adjourned. Oh, I am sorry, sir, I didn't mean to overstep my bounds. You say that. Governor William J. Le Petomane: What? Hedley Lamarr: "Meeting is adjourned". Governor William J. Le Petomane: It is? Hedley Lamarr: No, you *sa...
[Recalling his gunfighting career] Jim: I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.
Taggart: ...What in the Wide World of Sports is a-going on here? I hired you people to get a little track laid, not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots!
Bart: Are we awake? Jim: We're not sure. Are we... black? Bart: Yes, we are. Jim: Then we're awake... but we're very puzzled.
