Malcolm: I've banged a lot of waitresses in my day, but you, you, you were the best. Cookie Fleck: You don't forget the best.
Cookie Fleck: Did somebody put something down here so I would trip?
Scott Donlan: This is my euphemism, Stefan.
Buck Laughlin: Excuse me if this off the subject a little bit, but just take a guess at how much I can bench press. Come on, what do you think? Take a guess. 315 pounds, at the top of my game, maxing out at 500!
Stefan Vanderhoof: [discussing the calendar] We're not gonna sell, just give it out to friends. Scott Donlan: I think we should try to sell it. Stefan Vanderhoof: Really? Scott Donlan: Yeah. Stefan Vanderhoof: Well, if we could give the money to Shih...
Meg Swan: We are *so* lucky. We are *so* lucky to have been raised amongst catalogs.
Buck Laughlin: [as the hound judge examines a Borzoi] Now that looks like a fast dog. Is that faster than a greyhound? Trevor Beckwith: Uhh... I can't really say... Buck Laughlin: If you put them in a race, who would come in first? You know if you ha...
Hotel Manager: We have you down for a queen. Scott Donlan: What are you suggesting... my dear man?
Hamilton Swan: Don't look at the fat ass losers or freaks, look at me!
[Yelling at the hotel maid] Meg Swan: I know a man who has a van and he will take you back to wherever you came from!
Scott Donlan: She looks like a cocktail waitress on an oil rig.
Harlan Pepper: [In an additional scene from the DVD: In his car, reciting a song called Turtle Woman] "I saw her at the sideshow at the fair. The sign said, 'TURTLE WOMAN - PLEASE BEWARE'." And they had a sign saying, "BEWARE," because of snapping tu...
Meg Swan: This? This is a fish. This is a fish! You know what? Just shut up.
Stefan Vanderhoof: So finally we bought out the chinese, not the entire nation, this one little chapter behind the wall here.
Trevor Beckwith: [as Scott enters with Agnes the Shih Tzu] And now we have the toy, the Shih Tzu is coming, and here is, uh, Scott Donlan. Buck Laughlin: Look at Scott! He is prancing along with the dog! Man, I tell you something, if you live in my n...
Cookie Fleck: How many years ago did he poke me?
Buck Laughlin: [as the judge checks the back end of Cookie's dog] She's examining the Norwich now!
Buck Laughlin: [sees the trophy] I've taken a sponge bath in smaller bowls than that!
