Buck Laughlin: [after Beatrice the dog jumps up on the show judge] He went for her like she's made outta ham.
Scott Donlan: How tall are you? Hotel Manager: I'm 6'4". Stefan Vanderhoof: I thought so. I feel like Alan Ladd at Easter Island. Scott Donlan: Where are you from, like Nor... Norland? Norway? Hotel Manager: Uh, I'm Irish-German. Stefan Vanderhoof: L...
Meg Swan: [Meg and Hamilton are talking about how they met at Starbucks] One day Hamilton gathered his courage and approached me... Hamilton Swan: I remember, I was drinking a grande espresso. Meg Swan: I know, and I remember I thought that was reall...
Bulge: [interrupting Gerry and Cookie in the studio while they're recording] Cookie? Cookie Fleck: Yeah? Bulge: Cookie Guggleman? Cookie Fleck: Yeah. Do I know you? Bulge: Does this ring a bell? [singsongs] Bulge: "I'm not wearing underwear". Cookie ...
Hotel Manager: Have you tried looking under the bed? Meg Swan: Of course I've looked under the bed, of course I've looked under the bed. That's where you look when you lose things.
[trying to coerce his son to get down from jumping off the roof] Max Berman: I'll gouge your right eye out with my thumb, I shit you not, you little freak! Now, will you get down here? I'm gonna punch you in the eye till it turns to jelly! I'll stab ...
Buck Laughlin: And to think that in some countries these dogs are eaten.
Scott Donlan: Rhapsody has two mommies.
Hamilton Swan: Honey, I'm thinking of switching to the mock turtleneck? Meg Swan: Is that not breathing? Hamilton Swan: Well, it's breathing now, but it'll be hot down there. I could go with the lambswool, but then again, you'll see a lot of khaki do...
[Yelling at her husband who is trying to coax their son down from the roof] Fay Berman: Don't look him in the eye! It challenges him! He doesn't like that!
Christy Cummings: We got to open this, this, these offices, and publish this magazine here, 'American Bitch'. The dog magazine for women and their dogs. Umm, it's a focus on the issues of the lesbian pure bred dog owner.
[When Beatrice goes to lick his face] Hamilton Swan: Don't!... not the lips...
[after Scott introduces himself as Mary and shows them the pants he hand-stitched] Gerry Fleck: Well you must be very "proud Mary". Scott Donlan: Oh my goodness. Who are you all of a sudden? Stefan Vanderhoof: Good baby boomer gag. Cookie Fleck: Who'...
Meg Swan: I didn't ask for your opinion. I asked for a toy that you don't have!
Hotel Manager: [handing back a credit card at check-in to the Flecks] I'm sorry, that card's been declined. Cookie Fleck: Oh, no! That's the good card!
Scott Donlan: I'm thrown overboard. Anchors aweigh. Stefan Vanderhoof: The Man who knew too much. Scott Donlan: Yeah, well there it is, the man who knew too much!
Harlan Pepper: After the dog show I was on an El Al flight to Haifa faster than a walnut could roll off a henhouse roof.
Scott Donlan: [arriving with coffee during the Shih Tzu calendar photo shoot] All right, I'm coming, hold your horses! [pause] Scott Donlan: Oooh, Stefan, we should have gotten horses! Stefan Vanderhoof: Yeah, right, little bitty horses. Scott Donlan...
