Carol Connelly: Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get? Melvin Udall: Yes I do, as a matter of fact. And to prove it, I have not gotten personal, and you have.
Carol Connelly: [to Dr. Bettes, Spencer's wonderful new doctor] Can we get you anything else? Water, coffee, couple of female slaves?
Dr. Martin Bettes: My wife is Melvin Udall's publisher. She said that I was to take excellent care of this little guy because you are urgently needed back at work. What kind of work do you do? Carol Connelly: I'm a waitress. Beverly Connelly: In Manh...
Melvin Udall: Oh, you were talking about your dog. I thought you were referring to that colored man inside your apartment. Simon Bishop: Uh, what color would that be? Melvin Udall: Like uh, like thick MO-lasses.
Carol Connelly: Is it a secret what you're doing here? Melvin Udall: I had to see you. Carol Connelly: Because? Melvin Udall: It relaxes me. I'd feel better sitting ouside your apartment on the curb than any other place I can think of or imagine.
[last lines] Melvin Udall: Want something? Carol Connelly: Warm rolls.
Carol's Date: Just a little too much reality for a Friday night.
Carol Connelly: Melvin, I'd rather not. Melvin Udall: What does that got to do with it? Carol Connelly: Funny, I thought it was a strong point.
Simon Bishop: Is this fun for you? You lucky devil. It just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it? I'm losing my apartment, Melvin. And Frank, he wants me to beg my parents, who haven't called me, for help. And I won't. And... I... I don't want...
Melvin Udall: [to Verdell the dog] Don't be like me. Don't you be like me!
Melvin Udall: [finishing his latest romance novel] "'You saved my life,' she said... 'You'd better make it up to me.'"
Melvin Udall: Did you have sex with her? [Carol comes out of the bathroom] Melvin Udall: Oh, sorry. I didn't know she was here. Did you have sex with her?
Carol Connelly: You're going to die soon with that diet. You know that, right? Melvin Udall: Oh, we're all going to die soon. I will, you will, and it sure sounds like your son will.
Melvin Udall: There are Jews at my table.
Carol Connelly: How are you? Simon Bishop: Don't ask. I'm tired of my own complaints. I need to get some new thoughts. Carol Connelly: Why? What are you thinking about now? Simon Bishop: How to die, mostly. Carol Connelly: To think that in our little...
Melvin Udall: How much more you got to eat? Appetites aren't as big as your noses, huh?
Melvin Udall: [after telling Carol that he thinks she's the greatest woman on Earth] Is that something that's bad for you to be around, for you? Carol Connelly: No.
Simon Bishop: Verdell. What's wrong? You miss the tough guy? [imitating Melvin] Simon Bishop: Well, here I am, sweetheart! Happy to see me, you little pissant mop? How 'bout another ride down the chute?
