Melvin Udall: I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, "Spence," an...
Receptionist: I can't resist! You usually move through here so quickly and I just have so many questions I want to ask you. You have no idea what your work means to me. Melvin Udall: What does it mean to you? Receptionist: [stands up] When somebody o...
Melvin Udall: You're a disgrace to depression.
Melvin Udall: Where do they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City "Sailor wanna hump-hump" bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.
Melvin Udall: [to a group of depressed psychiatric patients] What if this is as good as it gets?
Melvin Udall: [introducing Carol to Simon] Carol the waitress, Simon the fag.
Melvin Udall: People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch.
Melvin Udall: Never, never, interrupt me, okay? Not if there's a fire, not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home and one week later there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body and you have to hold a hanky to y...
Carol Connelly: OK, we all have these terrible stories to get over, and you-... Melvin Udall: It's not true. Some of us have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But,...
Melvin Udall: I'm drowning here, and you're describing the water!
Carol Connelly: When you first entered the restaurant, I thought you were handsome... and then, of course, you spoke.
Simon Bishop: Thank you, Melvin. You... overwhelm me. [pauses] Simon Bishop: I love you. Melvin Udall: I tell you, buddy... I'd be the luckiest guy alive if that did it for me.
Carol Connelly: Why can't I have a normal boyfriend? Just a regular boyfriend, one that doesn't go nuts on me! Beverly Connelly: Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist.
Simon Bishop: You're why cavemen chiseled on walls.
Carol Connelly: To hell with sex! It was better than sex! We held each other! What I needed, he gave me great.
Melvin Udall: [enters his psychiatrist's office] Hi. [shuts door] Melvin Udall: *Help!* Dr. Green: If you want to see me, you will not do this. You will make an appointment. Melvin Udall: Dr. Green, how can you diagnose someone as an obsessive compul...
Carol Connelly: Fucking H.M.O. bastard pieces of shit! Beverly Connelly: Carol! Carol Connelly: Sorry. Dr. Martin Bettes: It's okay. Actually, I think that's their technical name.
Melvin Udall: [Sitting in the bar after Carol storms out] Well, it's not right to go into details, I got nervous. I screwed up, I said the wrong thing... Where if I hadn't, I could be in bed right now with a woman who, if you make her laugh, you got ...
