Rachael: Why am I the bad guy? Kyle: Because you're his girlfriend, you cheated on him, and he has fucking cancer, you lunatic!
Adam: A tumor? Dr. Ross: Yes. Adam: Me? Dr. Ross: Yes. Adam: That doesn't make any sense though. I mean... I don't smoke, I don't drink... I recycle...
Kyle: You could have totally fucked the shit out of that girl. Adam: No one wants to fuck me. I look like Voldemort.
Adam: See, but... that's bullshit. That's what everyone has been telling me since the beginning. "Oh, you're gonna be okay," and "Oh, everything's fine," and like, it's not... It makes it worse... that no one will just come out and say it. Like, "hey...
Kyle: She doesn't blow you? Adam: ...She doesn't like to. Kyle: Of course she doesn't like to. No one likes putting a dick in their mouth.
Adam: What were you doing when I called? Were you on facebook? Katherine: You know... umm... stalking my ex-boyfriend actually isn't the only thing I do in my free time. Adam: I wish you were my girlfriend. Katherine: Girlfriends can be nice. You jus...
Adam: Why didn't we go to a barber? Kyle: That would have been a good idea if we paid someone to do it. Adam: Using your fucking balls trimmer instead of going to the barber. Kyle: I never washed them, ever. It's not my balls, it's my asshole. I'm jo...
Kyle: I was in the neighborhood - I was just on a date with Claire, the girl I met at the bookstore? My date did not go well, unfortunately, due to a lack of chemistry... and, I think, an overuse of profanity on my part. But, whilst on my date... I r...
Adam: You should go. Rachael: [Kissing him] I don't want to go. I want to stay here with you. Adam: No, seriously... you need to get the fuck off my porch.
Kyle: You smell like you fucked the cast of The View.
Rachael: [Rachael has got Adam a dog, but he does not want it] "Ok, forget it i can just bring him back to the shelter in the morning." Adam: Well then what happens to him. Rachael: He'll be put back in his tiny cage with ten other dogs who will bull...
Adam: That's what everybody's been saying: You'll feel better and don't worry and this is all fine and it's not. Katherine: You can't change your situation. The only thing that you can change is how you choose to deal with it.
Mitch: Why haven't we met Rachel? Alan: Yeah! What the fuck?
Adam: Aren't you supposed to be wearing an earth-toned sweater and be like 65 or somethin?
Adam: You're 24. Wow! Adam: So, what, are you like Doogie Howser or somethin?
Adam: I see. So, have you had very many patients? Or... Katherine: My patient history is not... Adam: I'm your first patient, aren't I? Katherine: No. No, not at all. Adam: Second? Katherine: [laughs] No. Adam: Third? Adam: [Katherine rubs her hands ...
Adam: [When Katherine comes to see Adam after his surgery] I'm peeing right now.
