once upon a time I would’ve killed to feel numb, like I do now. I would have reveled in the abyss of emptiness that fills my heart. the fear of the unknown would’ve made me want to kill myself. again. but now I feel nothing. I’ve been stripped of everything that matters and I’m left with nothing. so much of nothing that I don’t want to end my life in some dramatic, painful way because I’d rather let myself marinate in the bleakness for a little while longer. when I’m ready I’ll begin to feel again, and I’ll feel much more suffering than I would if I just ended it all right now. and I want that. I want to become that pain.