Funny Quotes

The funny thing is all these school shootings that we have, always happen in very religious communities. Maybe it's because the centre of their lives is a big fat nothing and it's just a fantasy and there's nothing there. I think maybe that might hav...

Matthew Bright

I think a lot of times on TV we see caricatures - that's what's funny.

Mayim Bialik

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Mel Brooks

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

Mel Brooks

I allow a lot of room for improvisation and funny stuff. I always feel planned.

Michael Bay

I am a candid interview and I have a dark and dry sense of humor - a very Canadian sense of humor and I am only learning now stupidly that you can't read tongue. When I say something funny in a newspaper and I meant it to be funny, it doesn't read th...

Michael Buble

Someone said to me at a party once, 'Oh, yeah, you're a comedian? Then how come you're not funny now?' And I just wanted to say, 'Well, I'm just going to take this conversation we're having and then repeat that to strangers, and then that's the joke....

Mike Birbiglia

I find my fans are really funny people. Most comedians can't say that about their fans.

Mike Birbiglia

There's nothing funny the first time about telling a story about getting beat up and it makes you leave high school.

Mike Birbiglia

I think your tendency when you play yourself is to accentuate something about you that you think is the funny thing about you.

Mike Birbiglia

I listened to this interview once with Jerry Seinfeld that really influenced my comedy and all of my writing, which is that when you're starting out in comedy, it's the audience that tells you what's funny about you. And you need to listen to that an...

Mike Birbiglia

You get to the end of something, you're laughing, you're like, 'That's funny, and that's funny,' and then you get to the end, and the credits come down, and you're like, 'That's it?! That's the whole thing?! You had me here for that?!' I just don't w...

Mike Birbiglia

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

Milton Berle

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Milton Berle

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

Milton Berle

That is not all I need. I need dogs. A house filled with dogs and a smart, funny, kind, loving girlfriend or wife.

Moby

The funny thing is, I'm not really a big reader, not a big fan of books in the first place.

Macaulay Culkin

I have a funny relationship with religion. I'm a big believer in ritualistic behavior as long as it doesn't hurt anybody. But I'm not a big fan of rules. And yet, we cannot live in a world without order.

Madonna Ciccone

What's great about having an audience is they can let you know what they don't think is funny, and you can just cut that out and keep trying.

Maggie Carey

If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.

Marcelene Cox

I can never tell when something is funny. I just have to do it onstage and find out.

Margaret Cho