Never floss with a stranger.
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.
I have no line. If I think it's funny, it's funny.
It's painful for me to watch someone who isn't funny. It's horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks.
That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way.
The audience changes every night. You're the same person. You have to speak your mind and do the stuff that you think is funny and makes you laugh.
The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time.
I had seen movies before that that had made me laugh, but I had never seen anything even remotely close to as funny as Richard Pryor was, just standing there talking.
Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley's very funny, very witty guy, very quick.
Kind of the exhausting thing about doing pure comedy, or something that's broader, is you're kind of a slave to the laugh. If it's not funny, then there's not much point in doing it. The kind of ueber-objective is to make people laugh. You always hav...
I swear and it comes off a little angry, no matter how funny I'm trying to do it. If I use certain words with a certain intensity, it's like 'Whoa whoa whoa, buddy buddy!'
I don't know how to be like a Bill Murray or a Will Ferrell, these guys who know how to make a line funny just by, I don't know, some extra-sense perception. I only know character and emotion and real acting; that's all I know how to do.
When I die, I want it to say 'Short and Funny' on my tombstone.
'Indiana Jones' wasn't physically tough, but they are the only two films I've ever been ill on. On 'The Last Crusade,' I got sciatica. That's when the sciatic nerve, which goes through the funny hole in your pelvis down your leg, swells and rubs agai...
