A brick and a blanket walk into a bar, and the bartender turns and says, “What can I get you started with?” Before they could reply, a Finnish guy said, “I’ll take a brick in a blanket, hold the ice.” What the bartender started, the Finnish...
I say, thirteen is too many dogs for good mental health. Five is pretty much the limit. More than five dogs and you forfeit your right to call yourself entirely sane. Even if the dogs are small.
You wanted to lick my face the first time you saw me? Is that usually what you do when you’re attracted to guys?” I shake my head. “Not your face, your dimple. And no. You’re the only guy I’ve ever had the urge to lick.” He smiles at me c...
It could have been quite worse," he agreed magnanimously. "And those two guys who felt up your butt while the maintenance dude was working on that hinge were kicked out because they violated the 'must have fondler's consent' rule, or so that pink-hai...
Jealousy always trumps schadenfreude! It’s a rule from the heartbreak version of ‘rock, paper, scissors.
Cora,come on now. You can find a guy in, like, a second flat. Half the guys in the band have you on their laminated list." She rolled her expressive eyes at me. "I want something real, Jet. Something that is life changing and dramatic, something that...
If a person fights, that's their own choice," Angel says. "But getting two roosters to fight or two dogs like pit bulls to fight, the animals don't have a choice there. They can't decide not to fight.
In general, people are not drawn to perfection in others. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual's life energy. Humans connect with humans. Hiding one's humanity and trying to project an image of perfection makes a p...
Tobin," Mom said disapprovingly. She wasn't a particularly funny person. It suited her professionally - I mean, you don't want your cancer surgeon to walk into the examination room and be like, "Guy walks into a bar. Bartender says, 'What'll ya have?...
What you are to me is the guy that I’ve been madly in love with since sixth grade. You’re the guy I think about every night when I’m in bed by myself. You’re the one who doesn’t want me but insists on keeping me tied so close that I can’t...
Love isn’t stackable and interlocking, like boxes or Legos. Love is like a one-legged man standing on a three-legged chair that is placed on top of a two-legged piano. I should know, because I’m the guy trying to tune that piano, fix that chair, ...
I had this whole plan when I graduated high school: I was going to go to college, date a few guys, and then meet THE guy at the end of my freshman year, maybe at the beginning of my sophomore year. We'd be engaged by graduation and married the next y...
Fantasy imposes order on the universe. Or, at least, it superimposes order on the universe. And it is a human order. Reality tells us that we exist for a brief, beleaguered span in a cold infinity; fantasy tells us that the figures in the foreground ...
When you’re telling a story, you’re trying to connect to people in a particular way … The way in which you guys have inhabited this world, this universe, has made you part of it, part of the story. You are living in Firefly. When I see you guys...
See, being a person is kind of random and arbitrary business. You may have noticed that. And you need to believe in something to keep it from being too random and arbitrary to handle. Some people take religion, or success, or patriotism, or family, b...
You're not scared to do the right thing, even when it's harder. Like telling Mr. Weedin when he had copied that problem wrong. Or calling me out when you thought I was being homophobic. And I respect that, Alek. You've got character. That's something...
Vern: Do you think Mighty Mouse could beat up Superman? Teddy: What are you, cracked? Vern: Why not? I saw the other day. He was carrying five elephants in one hand! Teddy: Boy, you don't know nothing! Mighty Mouse is a cartoon. Superman's a real guy...
[the boys are having trouble designing how to get across the river] Teddy: Okay, you guys can go around if you want. I'm crossing here. And while you guys are dragging your candy asses half way across the state and back, I'll be waiting on the other ...
Vern: You think Mighty Mouse could beat up Superman? Teddy: What are you cracked? Vern: Why not? I saw the other day, he was carrying 5 elephants in one hand. Teddy: Boy, you don't know nothin', Mighty Mouse is a cartoon, Superman is a real guy, no w...
Felix: What do you think? Max: I think... [Max sees one of Felix's bodyguard draw his gun out] Max: I think you should you should tell that guy behind me to put his gun down. Felix: What? Max: I said I think you should tell that guy behind me to put ...
Solange: [they are kissing on the floor of his beachfront suite] You like married women... don't you, James? James Bond: It keeps things simple. Solange: [laughs] What is it about bad men? You... my husband. I had so many chances to be happy, so many...
