Evil is an act, not an appetite. How many haven't wanted to slash the throat of some boor across the dining room table? Present company excepted of course. Everyone has the appetite. If you give in to it, it, that act is evil. The appetite is normal.
[...]you don’t have to be Sun freakin Tzu to know that real fighting isn’t about killing or even hurting the other guy, it’s about scaring him enough to call it a day.
It's my turn to see you through,' she whispers, coming back to me and wrapping me in her blanket as I lose my shit all over again. She holds me until I recover my Y chromosome.
But even if they could go home it would be difficult for me to tell you what the moral of the story is. In some stories, it's easy. The moral of 'The Three Bears', for instance, is "Never break into someone else's house". The moral of 'Snow White' is...
Chew on this fact: nine out of ten people step on bubblegum left by either me or my associates. The tenth person couldn’t step on it because he’s handicapped. But he most assuredly rolled over it in his wheelchair.
I am three forks away from eating all your food with two homeless guys. It’s too bad I only have a suitcase full of spoons and a bucket of soy sauce.
I don’t need a steak knife to cut my meat. That’s why karate chops were created. I’m like a butter knife, only slightly less deadly. But I’m great with bagels—and disobedient old people.
I had a dream last night I was awake through the pregnancy but I fell asleep at birth when I awoke I was Pinocchio and stuck inside a tree, does that mean I don't have to listen to jazz anymore?
I always order a small coffee in a medium cup—to leave room for cream, without subtracting from the full amount of coffee I paid for. I’m like that with love too, except I don’t need nearly as much room for cream.
I had a dream I bought a popcorn maker that would pop pennies into cornuts, so I bought stock in corn wow was I nuts. That's what my therapist said. He is just plain nuts and they are not salty at all. Lies!
She has a name, it’s true. But all women have names. So to elevate her above all the rest, I simply call her Her. And for as long as I live, I will always love Her.
The fact is, I’m being attacked by extraterrestrials. They’re invisible, and now, even as I write this, my anus is bleeding. Science turns into sexual harassment when the aliens probe my ass with dildos, cucumbers, and Barney Frank’s tiny shoes...
I turned on my faucet, and out slithered a clear garden snake. It was too cold to shave with, so I grew out a beard and patch of broccoli. Sometimes my love is liquid, and sometimes it’s foggy enough to steam broccoli, or facial hair if you don’t...
You make me so happy I could frown. Let us dance like two rocking chairs at a KISS concert, and let us kiss like two people named Sam Asmas who’ve just discovered the meaning of the word palindrome, as well as the meaning of life.
You want to know, but are afraid to ask, whether or not I found someone. If there could be anyone to fill that hole in my heart after I lost him. I did. "Life is futile," says my new therapist, Michaela, "and no one gets out of it alive. There is onl...
Space is a precious thing to waste. You don't want to fill your house with anything that doesn't directly add to your happiness.
The rules for raising children had gone out with her parents generation of daughters who had lived as Lucy had, in patient silence, acting by standards which had lasted generations, waiting to grow up to make their decisions, following the patterns o...
The story was so thoroughly believed that a Springfield, Massachusetts, missionary society resolved to send missionaries to the moon to convert and civilize the bat-men, apparently unaware that bat-men have lost all faith since they saw their parents...
Lord John: 'The court has suffered most sorely for your absence. We hardly know where to find our amusement now.' Lady Nora: 'I am sorry to hear that, I suppose it takes some wit to produce one's own entertainment. Are you often bored?
a man was on his way to the gallows when he met another, who asked him: where are you going, my friend? and the condemned man replied: i'm not going anywhere. they're taking me by force.
I paid, got up, walked to the door, opened it. I heard the man say, "that guy's nuts." out on the street I walked north feeling curiously honored.
