Sometimes people ask me, 'You do stand-up?' I try explaining what I do, and I don't think they really get it. So: 'Yeah, I do stand-up.' I wish there was one word to express what I do - that way, I don't sound arrogant. Whenever I say I'm a performer...
Yeah, anytime anybody has a kid, you know how you feel when you have a kid, you look at the world differently because your kid's in the world now. When it's just you, whatever happens happens but now you pay more attention to political things. You pa...
I never had a desire to hurt anybody. I have at certain times had violent urges, but I don't think I ever have hurt anybody. Tried to a couple times, but I don't think I have. Yeah, guess I have. In high school. I was dirty then. Kick 'em. I might no...
Sandy Carver: Where are you going? Mikey Carver: Out. Sandy Carver: Its freezing! Mikey Carver: Yeah Sandy Carver: Then why are you going? Mikey Carver: When its freezing, Because it means the molecules aren't moving, so when you breath, theres nothi...
Ding Bell: Hey. It's that hokey dentist. Benjy Benjamin: Yeah. Ding Bell: Pass that cab. Second cab driver: What's the rush? Ding Bell: What do you mean rush? Benjy Benjamin: We ain't in any rush, we just wanna get there in a hurry.
Third Cab Driver: They're up to something funny, you hear what I'm telling you? Now, did you see the blonde I brought? All covered with paint and her dressed ripped. Now what was that all about? Second cab driver: Yeah. And what about the picks and s...
Baloo: He's hooked. Bagheera: Ah, it was inevitable, Baloo. The boy couldn't help himself. It was bound to happen. Mowgli is where he belongs now. Baloo: Yeah. I guess you're right. But I still think he'd have made one swell bear. Well, come on, Bagg...
Winston: [Phone rings] Bail bonds. Ordell Robbie: Yeah, Max there? Winston: He ain't here right now, man. Ordell Robbie: Well, where he at? Out of town? Winston: He's AROUND, man. Ordell Robbie: Well, gimme his home number. Winston: No, I'll give you...
Juno MacGuff: My dad had this weird obsession with Roman or Greek mythology or something and he decided to name me after Zeus' wife. Mark Loring: Zeus' wife? Juno MacGuff: Yeah and I mean Zeus had tons of lays but I'm pretty sure Juno was his only wi...
Preacher: Do you take this woman to be your wedded wife? Beetlejuice: [Runs off to the side mumbling to himself] Oh geez, I don't know. I mean, it's kind of a big decision isn't it? I mean, I always said if I ever did it, I was gonna do it once and t...
Jay: Yeah. Silent Bob, you're a rude motherfucker, you know that? But you're cute as hell. I could go down on you, suck you, line up three other guys, make like a circus seal. [Jay makes a rude head gesture and car horn honks] Jay: Ewww, you fucking ...
T-Bird: I got trouble. One of my crew got himself perished. Top Dollar: Yeah, and who might that be? T-Bird: Tin Tin, somebody stuck his blades in all his major organs in alphabetical order. Top Dollar: Well, gentlemen, by all means, I think we ought...
Ilsa: [laughs ironically] With the whole world crumbling, we pick this time to fall in love. Rick: Yeah, it's pretty bad timing. Where were you, say, ten years ago? Ilsa: [trying to be cheerful] Ten years ago? Well, let's see... [remembers, smiles] I...
Benny Blanco: Hey, my name is Benny Blanco from the Bronx. Carlito: You know me? Benny Blanco: Yeah, I know you, you're Carlito Brigante motherfucker to the max, that's who you are! Carlito: Well, I don't know you. So, I don't owe you, Saso does. My ...
[Wallace and Gromit have captured a rabbit] Reverend Clement Hedges: Bless you Anti-Pesto! With you out there protecting our veg, the most important event of the year is safe. Mrs. Mulch: Yeah, and I hope they give them pests what's comin' to them an...
Sonny: You! Manager! Fucker! Don't get any ideas, you hear? Sheldon: Believe me, I'm on your side on this one! Sonny: Yeah, my side, shit! Sylvia: Look, there are young ladies, here. You could watch your language, you know! Sonny: I speak what I feel...
[last lines] Gretchen: Hey. What's going on? David: Horrible accident. My neighbor, he got killed. Gretchen: What happened? David: Got smushed by a jet engine. Gretchen: What was his name? David: Donnie. Donnie Darko. Gretchen: Hmm. David: I feel bad...
Roger: Come on, Martinez. Wooley: Yeah, Martinez! Show your greasy little Puerto Rican ass so I can blow it right off! [Cocks his gun] Wooley: Blow ALL their asses off! Low-life bastards! Blow ALL their low-life little Puerto Rican and Nigger asses r...
[after a battered crook has accused Harry of beating him] Chief: Have you been following that man? Harry Callahan: Yeah, I've been following him on my own time. And anybody can tell I didn't do that to him. Chief: How? Harry Callahan: Cause he looks ...
Harvey Dent: Alfred, right? Alfred Pennyworth: That's right, sir. Harvey Dent: Yeah, Rachel talks about you all the time. You've known her, her whole life! Alfred Pennyworth: Oh, not yet, sir. Harvey Dent: Heh heh heh. Any psychotic ex-boyfriends I s...
Bruce Wayne: I need a new suit. Lucius Fox: Yeah, three buttons is a little '90's, Mr. Wayne. Bruce Wayne: I'm not talking fashion, Mr. Fox, so much as function. [hands him a diagram] Lucius Fox: You want to be able to turn your head. Bruce Wayne: Su...
