Quotes of: Written Keyword

Are you smarter than my brain in a jar? Have a pickle while you ponder it.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I have a bedroom rug that I feed. It’s not very flat, and it meows when I step on it.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

My cat’s favorite chew toy is a pen. I’d wager that he is a better writer than me.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

A meow’s a sound I want to look at. And after I see it, I want to pet it.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

It’s not fun to pet cats when you’ve already poured gravy on them, and you’re holding silverware.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Today I’m feeling uncharacteristically chiaroscuro, and I don’t know what that means for my future, or as a word.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I try not to sell myself short, unless I’m giving myself a great price on the stuff.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

We talked for four hours. Well, I talked for four, and she listened for two. 

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If somebody offered me Cyanide, my only question would be, Is it organic? Because organic is always the healthier option.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

For the time being I’ll be a being in time. And when I die, I’ll happily be compost for a greener world.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

A lifestyle of deception is hard to keep up if your clones aren’t willing to participate.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I don’t drink water, because if water can erode rock, think what it can do to flesh.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I have a shirt that’s skin tight. It’s made from human flesh.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I am Cloud “Combat” McCloud. Fear my thunder! Love my chicken tenders.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Somebody tell Uncle Sam the ultimate stimulus package is a bottle of Viagra.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

An ear shaped like a question mark is not receptive to life’s answers.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If you’re thinking about killing someone, don’t. Not don’t kill them, but don’t think about it—just do it already.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’d like to make the argument that The Cars were the first garage band.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I don’t understand the game of Cricket. But I do get the game of Noisy Night Insect.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’d make a great politician. I’d make it out of pig shit, so it wouldn’t be as foul as it is now.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’ve come a long way in the last year. 365 days, to be exact.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks