Quotes of: Written Keyword

I’m thinking of changing my name to “Son of Manana.” Of course it isn’t accurate, because I’m the father of yesterday.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of taking away your freedoms. –Uncle Sam 

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I put the hop in IHOP, and jumped on my pan of pancakes and then on to Panama. That’s standard government issued foolishness right there.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

There’s only one way you can appreciate me in the bedroom—call my wife and get permission for me.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

While I was there, the song reminded me of here. But now that I’m here, the song reminds me of there. But that’s neither here nor there.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I sneezed into the wind, and closed my eyes and imagined my face was barraged by cool ocean spray.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Walking on the beach like a ventriloquist, I’ll make it sound like the ocean is calling out to you—through a conch shell.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If I had the word “war” in my last name, like “Flowar,” I’d probably be a peaceful guy.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

A telephone cord used to make an excellent leash on people. Now metal chains work better.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’m so constipated that every time I go to shit, the only thing that comes out is political rhetoric.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’m wearing my political mustache today. If you want to see it, you’ll find it on the pubic region of a lobbyist.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Love is more powerful than any gun. Still, I’d recommend wearing a bulletproof vest.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’d like to make a statement, and I’d like to make it out of my own small intestines.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I heard you calling out to me, but I almost didn’t reply because you were using another guy’s name.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’d rather fall in molten lava than fall in love. But I suppose that’s just the romantic me.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Shaving a sheep is considered foreplay in some countries. But I don’t consider foreplay at all, not even before sex.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I work for the nod syndicate. It’s a sleepy job. If I’m caught not sleeping on the job, I’ll get fired.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Love should be unconditional, while hair should be conditioned. Air should also be conditioned, and worn in place of hairnets.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If a woman says she got a bad haircut, and I agree with her, am I being agreeable, or an asshole?

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I have been writing for about eleven years now. I went from elfish to elephantish, and in another eleven years, I hope to be Elford.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’ve been writing for about eleven years. I went from elfish to elephantish, and in another eleven years I hope to be Levin.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks