Quotes of: Written-down Keyword

People who die in Detroit and then go to hell probably think they’re in heaven. I know, because I’ve been to Cleveland.


This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Tomorrow is promised to no man, though I’m under the impression I have an earthly meeting with God on the day after tomorrow. So that’s nice.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I was eight when I moved to Florida, and I thought, “Oh great, the retirement capital of the world. I’ll be dead within a decade.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’m the most expensive person in my life. Every day I pay for the poor decisions of my past.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

You wouldn’t try to mow your lawn with an electric razor, like it was a green beard, so why would you try to deny the existence of nonexistence?


This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I asked possible witnesses about the invisible man shaped like a whisper, and nobody saw or heard anything. Which means he was there, and he is probably my father.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I want to go to Martha’s Vineyard. I have an aunt named Martha. And an uncle by that name. Neither one is related to me.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’d rather fake my own fog, than fake a steamy love scene. Can I interest you in some mist? It’s homemade.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Love is like a zebra refereeing a football game. I should know, because I am the rodeo cowboy riding that zebra.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I make an H2O alternative with my armpits. I left you a ten-gallon sample in your car, as a going away gift.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If I knew what you’d do, exactly when you knew what you’d do, then I’d either be you or I’d be God. And we both know I’m not you.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

For me, a website would be user friendly if it gave me a handjob. It’d be doubly impressive if it were also a porn site, or government regulation compliance site.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

And out came an insult with the velocity of a whisper. But I could see I offended, so I zipped up my pants and left the wedding reception.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Learning how to love is like learning how to tie your shoes, and that’s precisely why I wear slippers.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I feel like the boy who cried wolf, even though I know even less about politics.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

It’s still masturbation if your clone gives you a hand job. It’s also a lot like being a member of Congress.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

His first name is Brooks, but his last name isn’t. His last name is Wrinkled, unlike his shirt (he isn’t wearing one).

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I went to school to be a comedian. I was always cracking jokes in class. And after they were cracked, the teacher would try to put them back together.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I remember the good old days. You must remember the good old days, because they were the days with the long white beards.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

[It's] long been known that making fun of oneself is only a way of taking oneself seriously slightly less crude than others. 97

Why I Have Not Written Any of My Books

By God, if women had written stories, As clerks had within here oratories, They would have written of men more wickedness Than all the mark of Adam may redress.

The Wife of Bath's Prologue and Tale