Quotes of: Written-down Keyword

I love like a leaf in the wind. Please, hold your applause until the end of the performance (the last day of fall).

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

My sheets are so white they look like Google’s homepage. They even have a touch of red on them, from that double homicide back in December.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

He was thoughtless, not because he was insensitive, but because I had just eaten his brain and his skull was empty.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If green carpet grew on trees instead of leaves, I’d pick off a few cats—with my rifle.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

A sister should set her brother up with one of her friends, unless her only friend is her sister.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If politicians lived to be only 30-years-old before dying, that’d still be 30 years too long.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

It’s just a dream, I told myself. I hate when I dream of alarm clocks going off.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Throw a pair of Band-Aids over your eyelids, and open your eyes to your wounds.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’m thinking of changing my name to “Son of Manana.” Of course it isn’t accurate, because I’m the father of yesterday.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of taking away your freedoms. –Uncle Sam 

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I put the hop in IHOP, and jumped on my pan of pancakes and then on to Panama. That’s standard government issued foolishness right there.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

There’s only one way you can appreciate me in the bedroom—call my wife and get permission for me.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

While I was there, the song reminded me of here. But now that I’m here, the song reminds me of there. But that’s neither here nor there.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I sneezed into the wind, and closed my eyes and imagined my face was barraged by cool ocean spray.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Walking on the beach like a ventriloquist, I’ll make it sound like the ocean is calling out to you—through a conch shell.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

If I had the word “war” in my last name, like “Flowar,” I’d probably be a peaceful guy.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

A telephone cord used to make an excellent leash on people. Now metal chains work better.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’m so constipated that every time I go to shit, the only thing that comes out is political rhetoric.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

I’m wearing my political mustache today. If you want to see it, you’ll find it on the pubic region of a lobbyist.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

Love is more powerful than any gun. Still, I’d recommend wearing a bulletproof vest.

This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks