I had a dream about you. You looked like a real shark in your dolphin suit. I looked like the referee of the animal kingdom—the zebra—as I was dressed like a stack of Oreo cookies. For once I just wanted people to want me for me, and not because ...
I had a dream about you. You were a pack of kittens, and I was what the villagers referred to as the “Cuddle Monster.” You ran and ran and ran, and when you got tired, I took all of you off the treadmill and snuggled you like you were a pack of f...
I had a dream about you. I was a consumer, and you were a consumed. My grocery list had 10 items on it. Items 1-9 were cat food, and the 10th item was condoms. But not for sex—they were to store my leftovers, as Tupperware had been decreed illegal ...
I had a dream about you. You had hair like dandelion blowball, and I was one hurricane sneeze away from making you bald. You may have been in danger of losing your hair, but at least you would have more children than Charlemagne.
I had a dream about you. You were my main competition for the 2014 Rocking Chair Race Championship Series. It’s the most movement you can make without actually moving anywhere. I won that race—and I lost—because no surprise, we all tied.
I had a dream about you. I was passing out business cards the size of billboards, and you had a mouth as wide as a sperm whale, though your conversational range was as narrow as a midget’s urethra. Your Word of Mouth Value was as powerful as a limp...
I had a dream about you. We were going to change the world. But instead you changed your clothes and changed your mind about going to the bar, so I ended up crying on your sofa until my unicorn arrived to take me home.
I had a dream about you. No words were exchanged, but we spoke with our eyes. My eyes said, “I love you,” while your eyes told me, “I’m asleep.” You always were more romantic than me.
I had a dream about you. You fell into my arms like a 120-pound sack of gold coins. So I did what any respectable lover would do—I buried you in the backyard so nobody could steal you away from me.
I had a dream about you. We were both surrounded by poor people, but there was one big difference—I was poor, but you were rich. That’s why I was shocked when you tried to rob me. After all, I was one of many who voted you into power.
I had a dream about you. You wrapped the American flag around you like a towel, while I let Russia shower me with praise. The people over there really seemed to love me, probably because they are over there and I am not.
I had a dream about you. I should have waited until you were finished eating to tell you I love you, because you vomited all over my tablecloth. But that’s OK, because it was multi-colored and brown and green.
I had a dream about you. You looked like Hulk Hogan’s nose, and your legs looked like his mustache. I admired them and wondered how many squats you could do. Your mustache could probably run a marathon, while my mustache looks like a ghost.
I had a dream about you. We lived in an environmentally friendly future where nobody drove cars. Everybody rode roller coasters to wherever they needed to go. Well, everybody but midgets, who were kept in cages because they were too short to go anywh...
I had a dream about you. You were a soldier, and I was a war. You thought I was all there was to life, and I didn’t think anything about you. Why would I? I exist to end existence, and yet people still seem to glorify me.
I had a dream about you. Time didn’t exist for us. We were like two people who were in love who were always late. But we didn’t care, because where there is no time there is no money, and we were content to beg for food from people dressed like p...
I had a dream about you. We were standing next to each other, and a stranger asked for the time. My watch said 3:32, and yours said 3:33. I got concerned because somewhere I’d lost a minute, so you and I spent two minutes looking for it.
I had a dream about you. You were a statistician, and you were tasked with eliminating unemployment. I thought only job creators—entrepreneurs—reduced unemployment, and you thought I was naïve because everybody believed jobs were created if the ...
I had a dream about you. It was raining Friday nights, and my umbrella wasn’t big enough to stop us both from being saturated with Saturdays, so me being the gentleman I am, I graciously offered to soak up all the weekends, leaving you dry like the...
I had a dream about you. We drank coffee with straws and laughed. We ate soup with straws and laughed. Then I nasally and noisily inhaled your giggles with a straw, like cocaine, and I laughed, but you didn’t, because I’d just snorted your joy.
I had a dream about you. I was a mannequin with a record player for a head, and you were an aspiring DJ. You lusted after me and I was appreciative, because you were the first person who wanted me for what’s going on in my head, and not because I h...
