I am an orange construction cone, and I say to you, “Caution.” This is my advice for love—and for driving while blindfolded, which is safer than love.
Life goal: Swim in a lake full of soup, and instead of bathing suits we’ll wear Ziploc bags while we make love like we’re feeding the homeless.
Love is a tomato. And while it's true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup.
Work hard or don’t work hard, either way your hair will turn gray. I should let you be alone while you die, slowly.
Your impression of me is different than my impression of me. But that’s OK, because your impression is impressionistic, like a Monet painting, while mine is realistic, like a Rembrandt.
One great thinker said one thing, another said another, and while the two thoughts are contradicting, the one that backs my argument at the moment is the superior statement.
While I’m no Major League Baseball prospect, I have thrown a few no-hitters in my day. And not only were there no hitters, there was also nobody there to catch.
Some people read books on musicians, while I read music books. Not books on music, but literally books full of sheet music. Fascinating reading.
Are you smarter than my brain in a jar? Have a pickle while you ponder it.
The idea of adultery is like a soccer ball. Yeah, you might kick it around for a while, but if you actually wind up scoring, you get slapped with a huge penalty.
Erin runs errands, and Aaron runs around on her behind her back while she’s out. He’s such a philanderer he should get a Nike contract.
I haven’t had a birthday party in a while, probably because I’m not really into celebrating myself. Especially not for an achievement (the creation of me) that I did not contribute too.
God created the heavens, while the devil created doubt. Here is a short list of Lucifer's other notable inventions: matches, the lighter, the flamethrower, and George Burns.
I want to hold my grandpa in my arms and pet him while I fall asleep. That’s why I’m learning to play the guitar.
Women need a reason to have sex, while men just need an angle
While I've never read Scientific American, I'll bet it is pretty scientific. And American. Just like those prehistoric cave drawings in the south of France.
Having sex on a motorcycle wouldn’t only be exciting, it’d be dangerous. What if while we were parked we got broadsided by a speeding bicycle?
I've never had a one-night stand with anybody over the course of a whole weekend. I've also never had a one-night stand while standing the whole time.
Whoever thought up the phrase ‘Absence makes the heart grow founder’ was an idiot. Absence makes a bitch go crazy. -Elli, While Shea is Away
A bird was shot. I suspect fowl play. The next man to be shot is the man who wrote that pun. Excuse me while I load my gun and shoot myself.
Love is like a forest, I think as I kill trees by squandering toilet paper while “decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front yard.
