You can burn down the building, and I won’t interfere or criticize. I’ll just say, “Hey, man, I hope you brought marshmallows.
I brush my teeth like they are gray cumulonimbus clouds, and I floss like I fish. Can I offer you a small piece of salmon?
In my hands I hold the tools necessary for our government to fix our economic situation. My hands are empty, because a hands-off approach is the best approach.
The government gave me four lighters, of which only three are functional. Employing their unemployment calculations, I guess this would mean that only 8% don’t work.
Governments are nothing more than elaborate Rube Goldberg apparatuses, operating with absurd inefficiency. Why walk ten steps when you can make it there in a hundred?
When a fish kills another fish, it’s not fishing—it’s hunting. And when a woman kills a mermaid, it’s not fishing, it’s half crazy—from the waste down.
If I had a face like a clown mask, I’d be concerned people would see my face, associate me with a bank robbery, and then I’d be forced to kill them.
I wear a wedding ring, though I’m neither married nor engaged. I do it to warn off predators like cougars. And grizzly bears.
For a woman, intellectually stimulated is sexually aroused. For a man, sexually aroused is—well, I don’t know, I can’t think right now, because I have an erection.
We made love like Leftover Tuesday you eat cold on a warm Wednesday morning. And the next day I didn’t hear from her until the following yesterday.
I don’t mind waiting rooms. I’m waiting on the love of my life, so I may as well have a seat, right?
Dear Nike, please advise your runners that if they don’t collapse and die after running a marathon, they’re not doing it right. Don’t just do it—do it right.
If a snake was covered in musical scales, rather than nonsensical fur, then I’d like to pet it with my ears while I sleep for just a few more minutes.
Even if I didn’t have to deal with traffic and could teleport, I’d still be late all the time. The only difference is my excuses would have to be more efficient.
Lead yourself whenever your boss' leadership deteriorates. When your boss doesn't praise what you do, praise yourself. When your boss doesn't make you big, make yourself big. Remember, if you have done your best, failure does not count.
And before I'd got to the end of the first paragraph, I'd come up slap bang against a fundamental problem that still troubles me today whenever I begin a story, and it's this: where am I telling it from?
Whenever I've had to make a major decision as a doctor, cop or for a company I've worked for, I ask myself: What is the value proposition here? Will my decision bring added value to the population I have the privilege to serve?
Language does not always have to wear a tie and lace-up shoes. The object of fiction isn't grammatical correctness but to make the reader welcome and then tell a story … to make him/her forget, whenever possible, that he/she is reading a story at a...
What we need to affirm is that Jesus is neither a Democrat nor a Republican. Whenever we marry Jesus to a political party, we are committing the sin of idolatry. We are making Jesus into the image of our political party.
Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're the one putting the earmuffs on, but I wish you could hear me because I like you.'
A passport, as I'm sure you know, is a document that one shows to government officials whenever one reaches a border between two countries, so that the official can learn who you are, where you were born, and how you look when photographed unflatteri...
