Aunt Flo: Martha, where's Bart and Cole? Aunt Martha: Oh, they're off doing some volunteer work picking up trash off the streets. Kate Grant: It's community service; for Bart's rape. Aunt Martha: Sexual assault! Kate Grant: What's the difference? Aun...
David Grant: So, what do you think, dad? Woody Grant: It doesn't look finished to me. David Grant: How do you mean? Woody Grant: [upon seeing Mount Rushmore] Well, it looks like somebody got bored doing it. Washington's the only one with any clothes,...
Field Reporter: Chief, if I were surrounded by eight or ten of these things, would I stand a chance with them? Sheriff McClelland: Well, there's no problem. If you have a gun, shoot 'em in the head. That's a sure way to kill 'em. If you don't, get yo...
[Frank Drebin is emptying out his files after being kicked off the force] Frank: Hey! The missing evidence in the Kelner case! My God, he really was innocent! Ed: He went to the chair two years ago, Frank. Frank: Well, uh... [Frank Drebin quickly sho...
Vincent Ludwig: Tell me, Mr. Papshmir, in all the world, who is the most effective assassin? Papshmir: Well, I would think ANYONE who manages to conceal his identity as an assassin. Vincent Ludwig: Yes, but there is even a more ideal assassin - one w...
Nancy: [Referring to the Balinese way of dreaming] But what if they meet a monster in their dreams, then what? Glen Lantz: They turn their back on it. Take away its energy and it disappears. Nancy: But what happens if they don't do that? Glen Lantz: ...
Young Noah: [raising fists in air] Dad! God... I stammered! Frank: Stammered, stuttered... what's the difference. You couldn't understand a damn thing he said. [Allie laughing] Frank: Anyway, I got him to read some poetry aloud and pretty soon his st...
Frank: Say, how would you like some breakfast? Would you like some breakfast? Young Allie: Breakfast? Frank: Yeah! Young Noah: Dad, it's ten o'clock. Frank: Well, what's that got to do with it, you can have pancakes any damn time of night you want! C...
Aunt Edna: Why don't you just ask him for the money, Eddie? He sure as Hell can't take a hint. Cousin Eddie: Well, I didn't want to ask you, Clark, you know, but could you maybe spare a little extra cash? Clark: Sure, Eddie, how much do you need? Cou...
Carol: [looking at Noodles] Why don't we make it a threesome, huh? Max: Can't you see he's got other plans for tonight? Carol: Well, bring her along! We'll make it a foursome! Noodles: I'm not that kind of guy. Besides, I'm afraid if I give you a goo...
Danny: [holds up a black wallet] Hello Linus. Whose is this? Linus: Who are you? Danny: A friend of Bobby Caldwell's. [produces a plane ticket] Danny: You're either in or you're out. Right now. Linus: What is it? Danny: It's a plane ticket. A job off...
McMurphy: Jesus, I mean, you guys do nothing but complain about how you can't stand it in this place here and you don't have the guts just to walk out? What do you think you are, for Chrissake, crazy or somethin'? Well you're not! You're not! You're ...
Mack: Shame what this town's come to. Charley Waite: You could do something about it. Mack: What? We're freighters. Ralph here's a shopkeeper. Charley Waite: You're men, ain't you? Mack: I didn't raise my boys just to see 'em killed. Charley Waite: W...
Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you're not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?" Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kic...
Delmar O'Donnell: You work for the railroad, Grampa? Blind Seer: I work for no man. Delmar O'Donnell: Got a name, do you? Blind Seer: I have no name. Ulysses Everett McGill: Well, that right there may be the reason you've had difficulty findin' gainf...
Jill: If you want to, you can lay me over the table and amuse yourself. And even call in your men. Well. No woman ever died from that. When you're finished, all I'll need will be a tub of boiling water, and I'll be exactly what I was before - with ju...
Jason: What are you people doing here? We can't continue the story 'til Tom gets back. Harold: Oh, we don't mind observing you all. Harold's Wife: Yes. My husband is a student of the human personality. Rita: Oh yeah, well we're not human. Harold's Wi...
Tom Baxter: I guess I have to get a job. Cecilia: That's not gonna be so easy either - right now the whole country's out of work. Tom Baxter: Well, then, we'll live on love. We'll have to make some concessions, but so what? We'll have each other Ceci...
Wladyslaw Szpilman: You've got to give me something to do. Yehuda: You're an artist, Wladek. You do enough. Wladyslaw Szpilman: I want to help. I want to do something. Yehuda: You're too well known, Wladek. And you know what? You musicians don't make...
[first lines] Jiminy Cricket: [after singing "When You Wish Upon a Star"] Pretty, huh? I'll bet a lot of you folks don't believe that, about a wish comin' true, do ya? Well, I didn't, either. Of course, I'm just a cricket singing my way from hearth t...
Geppetto: Now, I've got just the name for you: Pinocchio! Do you like it, Figaro? [Figaro shakes his head] Geppetto: No? You do, don't you, Cleo? [Cleo shakes her head] Geppetto: Well, we'll leave it to little wooden head. You like it? [pulls on stri...
