I want to write the world’s worst cookbook, which I’ll title: “The World’s Worst Cookbook.” It’ll feature recipes from “Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich” (peanut butter, jelly, and bread), to “Roasted Roadkill and Hitchhiker’s Sur...
A female cop in my dream observes a shuffle, and takes note, but doesn’t fully see the bank robbery I have just committed during the planned distraction. All she sees is a man with a lot of money and draws the wrong conclusion—that I am more hand...
The best way to get America back to work, and reduce our deficit, is hire all the photographers in the country, position them on street corners, and have them take pictures of all the license plates of red-light runners, who will then receive a fine ...
This is what I believe to be the progress of a writer. You write 10 things, of which one of them will be great. You then write 11 things, of which two of them will be great. Then you write 12 things, of which four of them will be great. Then you writ...
Waste forces within him, and a desert all around, this man stood still on his way across a silent terrace, and saw for a moment, lying in the wilderness before him, a mirage of honourable ambition, self-denial, and perseverance. In the fair city of t...
Seriously, I think it is a grave fault in life that so much time is wasted in social matters, because it not only takes up time when you might be doing individual private things, but it prevents you storing up the psychic energy that can then be rele...
You should be spreading the good word. You should be etching the good word onto the glass scanning beds of library photocopiers. You should be scraping the truth onto old auto parts and throwing them off bridges so that people digging in the mud in a...
He had in his Bronx apartment a lodger less learned than himself, and much fiercer in piety. One day when we were studying the laws of repentance together, the lodger burst from his room. "What!" he said. "The atheists guzzles his whiskey and eats po...
Young Ed Bloom: I just saw the woman I'm going to marry. I know it. But I lost her. Amos Calloway: Oh, tough break. Well, most men have to get married *before* they lose their wives. Young Ed Bloom: I'm gonna spend every day for the rest of my life l...
When I came back into show business in '88 after spending 20-odd years in the civil service, it wasn't planned.
I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself.
I don't think it's unusual to spend time with your castmate.
I like to spend my time with my children.
HBO Go is a fantastic way to spend your time.
I don't spend a lot of money on myself, really.
We need to stop spending money we don't have.
I love to spend money.
I prefer surveying for a week to spending a week in fashionable society even of the best class.
I spend days with writers' block. It is a problem.
It is in spending oneself that one becomes rich.
The world spends $40 billion a year on pet food.
