Mouths are longer than they are wide, to ensure words don’t come out sideways. Even the word “sideways” comes out straight.
War is fought over futile and feudal things. War is not about ideology, no matter how artfully framed, but it’s simply about power and money and control.
The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough meat to last for weeks.
Drinks heavily loaded with ice are reasonably effective, but the best way to cool down is to cuddle with a recently deceased person.
I don’t collect awards, I collect empty trophy cases. Once my collection is large enough, I’m going to start collecting broken dreams.
Whenever I see a strange man at a urinal, I always approach him slowly and say, “Dad, is that you?
Growing up, Renaldo and his father had a great relationship. At least until his father went and slept with someone else.
Fight or flight? If I had wings, there’d be no choice. But since I don’t have wings, I have to rely on my cape, and a long running start.
What’s the opposite of start? Would the average person think stop or finish? The answer may reflect the difference between a winner and a loser.
I plan on leaving my mark on this world, in ink, with a pen spill that’ll make all the oil spills combined look like literature.
Poison Ivy tastes like an itch when you have it on your tongue, and I’d say that love tastes the same, only itchier.
The president spends most of his time playing golf and vacationing. But the times he’s away from the office are the times he’s most valuable to our country.
People complain the president does nothing. I say stop complaining! Think how destructive he’d be if he actually tried to do something.
For me, TV and broke go together. Not as in, The TV is broken, but more of noticing that most people who watch too much TV are broke.
If you’re tired of taking one step forward and two steps back, just turn around. That way you’ll be going forward in reverse.
Despite being tired, I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes having a functioning penis can be a real drag (especially if it always dangles along the ground as I walk).
I saw a baby make a boom-boom in his diaper, and I thought, I’d never have suspected him of being a terrorist.
Life is how you brew it. Wake up, you have a story to tell. Don't chase vain glory, your story will tell it. You owe it to yourself to write the lines of your story in the ink of purpose!
See the bigger picture of yours and refuse the passport size creature that people think you are! Your nature is large; go for it. Feel free to wake up and print your bigger picture!
Never wait for the alarm clock to wake you up; your passion must wake you up against sluggish lifestyles. Positive passion keeps you hot until the work it finished!
Let me wake up next to you, have coffee in the morning and wander through the city with your hand in mine, and I'll be happy for the rest of my fucked up little life.
